


102

by darlingjongin



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Blow Jobs, Drugs, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Mentions of Toxic Relationships, No Happy Ending Fest, Smut, Strong Language, Unhappy Ending, Unrequited Love, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-09
Updated: 2020-03-09
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:55:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 23,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22993558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darlingjongin/pseuds/darlingjongin
Summary: At precisely 1.02 am, Chanyeol recalls the time he fell in love.
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun/Oh Sehun, Byun Baekhyun/Park Chanyeol, Do Kyungsoo | D.O/Kim Jongin | Kai, Do Kyungsoo | D.O/Park Chanyeol
Comments: 15
Kudos: 64
Collections: No Happy Ending Fest - 2019





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> **Prompt #:** 323  
>  **Prompt:** Somehow getting closer than humanly possible drove us further apart than we've ever been.  
>  **Pairing/Main Character(s):** Chanyeol/Baekhyun, Chanyeol/Kyungsoo  
>  **Side Characters(if any):** Kim Jongin, Oh Sehun, Park Yoora  
>  **Word Count:** 23,139  
>  **Warning(s)/Additional Tag(s):** strong language, implied despression, mentions of death, major character death, implied alcoholism, mentions of drug use, mentions of toxic relationships  
>  **Author's note:** This fic is also inspired by Matty Healy's 102. The setting is in London and will have the use of British slang and culture.
> 
> Thanks for allowing me to join this fest and thanks to the mods for having so much patience.

_This song is about a friend I had. He was beautiful, picture bloody perfect. I loved him, but I didn’t know at the time. I don’t even think he knew that I loved him too. When he and I met, we had little traditions, little things we did together, you know? Like how we’d somehow always be awake at two minutes past one. We’d end up talking till the sun came up. Now, whenever I’m awake at 1.02 am, I think of him and I let go._

_Chanyeol Park – BBC Radio 1 Interview_

  
  
  
  


**PART ONE; FALLING IN LOVE**

It’s 1.02am. Chanyeol sits on the cold pavement, taking out a fag and letting the smoke burn his lungs. It's cold, brutal cold - London tends to be fucking useless when it comes to the weather - so Chanyeol can even feel soft drizzle landing on his hair.

He has nowhere to go tonight, so he stays sitting on the pavement, his legs crossed and his guitar case beside him. He blows out grey smokes, which escapes his lips, his hands unzipping the worn-out case and lifting his scratched-up guitar. The streets are silent and barren, juxtaposing what usually is a bright and lively city. But of course, the city is asleep, which leaves Chanyeol owning the night, leaning his head on the brick wall and letting his fingers play the melody that's been stuck in his head the whole day. He closes his eyes, humming softly, accompanying his callus fingers.

'Hey, you pretentious prick! Get back inside before you get sick!', Chanyeol looks up to see a window opening from one of the houses, the lights escaping from the inside as he sees Kyungsoo leaning on the window sill, calling out to him and interrupting his moment of peace, 'It's one o'clock in the fucking morning!'

Chanyeol inhales the last of his cigarette, letting the ash fall to the ground, throwing the fag out before standing. He steps over it and places his guitar back on the case, bending down to pick it up whilst having to hear Kyungsoo's constant abuse from above the two-story house.

'Can you shut the fuck up? You'll wake the neighbours!', Chanyeol shouts once he zips up the case and looks up to glare at his best friend, 'I was trying to find my muse!'

'Find it inside the fucking house like a normal prick!', Kyungsoo shouts back to which Chanyeol gives up and does as he’s told - he usually does since the fucker would kill him if he doesn't - walking back to their shared house, his keys dangling with key chains from all over the world courtesy of his travelling sister.

Park Chanyeol is a dying artist. Not literally, but he's been at a slump these past couples of weeks, not finding the motivation to finish a song, leaving them unresolved and without proper ending nor emotion. It's been driving him insane and he's done everything he could to get his flow back on, even if it meant sitting in the cold, in the middle of the night whilst the world is in a peaceful slumber.

Their house is small, too fucking small for the rent price, but he can't complain. He walks back to the kitchen, opening the lights and leaning his guitar case by the table whilst he turns on the kettle and makes himself a cup of tea. He's been having troubles sleeping too, which didn't help his slump, so coffee was out of the equation for the past few weeks. Kyungsoo has the shit end of it, having to hear Chanyeol screaming at himself at three in the morning, sometimes getting out of bed to tell him off. 

He sits down, sighing whilst he thinks of words, trying to piece lyrics together only to fail once more. He doesn't even bother opening his notebook anyway, leaving it somewhere in his room, probably at the bottom of the bed, untouched. 

'Well, we're here…', Chanyeol sings, leaving it unfinished, listening to the kettle screaming and watching the streams of white smoke escape its lips, 'Well, we're here…'

* * *

Kyungsoo and Chanyeol sit in The Common, a local pub just on the outskirts of their neighbourhood. It's six o'clock and Kyungsoo just got off work, reading a text from Chanyeol that he's at the usual.

'So, are you still useless?', Kyungsoo asks, laughing when he sees Chanyeol tugging his hair - a little habit he has when he's frustrated. He sees the way his best friend whines, complaining about his shit songs whilst they shared a drink.

'Nothing sounds good Kyungsoo', Chanyeol pouts, 'And it won't be long since I have to go back to the studio to write again… They're not gonna like anything I present'

'Who're you booked to write with?'

'Clean Bandit', Chanyeol says, drinking his lager and looking out the window, watching people pass them by, 'And Sean McIntyre contacted me too'

'At least you're not stuck with George', Kyungsoo says beneath his breath, 'He was a dick'

'No, he's not', Chanyeol hears Kyungsoo despite the loud noises of music and voices, rolling his eyes when he sees his best friend’s disapproving look, 'He's a nice fella'

'He gave you cocaine'

'Which was nice of him. That shit's expensive', Chanyeol points out to which Kyungsoo reaches out his hand and slaps his head. He still hasn't forgotten the time Chanyeol came home absolutely high off his face, ruining their living room.

'Next time you come home high, I'm gonna burn you myself', Kyungsoo threatens him, which he usually does when Chanyeol starts talking about drugs.

He's not a crackhead, but Chanyeol wasn't one to pass on having a good time - much to Kyungsoo's dismay - which means coming home late drunk and high is more of a monthly routine than his best friend would like. But he knew Kyungsoo isn't going to do much but run his mouth on him a few times.

'I won't be getting high if I can't even write a fucking song', Chanyeol sighs, going back to his self-pity party, 'I can't believe I don't know how to write any more'

'Serves you', Kyungsoo points out, unsympathetic over Chanyeol's crisis, 'You should've saved all the money'

'And you should've married your ex-boyfriend', Chanyeol bites back when he sees that his best friend is doing nothing but bringing up his fuck-ups instead of comforting him, 'But here we both are, broke and alone'

Another glare is given to him by Kyungsoo - but at this point in their friendship, Chanyeol is used to it - so he finishes drinking his lager and forces Kyungsoo to talk about his day and stirs the attention away from him. Kyungsoo, unlike Chanyeol, didn't live a complicated life, just a mixture of work in his office and leisure with his friends which usually only consists of watching movies and occasionally at the club if he feels like socialising with a big crowd. It's probably why their friendship works well, like two opposites finding comfort at the fact that there are other ways to live life, getting a taste of something different by observing each other's life. It calms Chanyeol down hearing that someone can be genuinely happy with a nine to five job and it felt cathartic for Kyungsoo to hear Chanyeol's escapades, sometimes annoying but mainly entertaining for him.

'Anyway, my manager wanted us to have a party before he leaves for his other job', Kyungsoo adds on at the end, 'I don't know if I wanna go through'

'Why not?', Chanyeol replies, stealing some of Kyungsoo's crisps - the usual salt and vinegar - stuffing his mouth and looking at his best friend in question, 'You should use this opportunity to get fucked'

'In front of my co-workers?', Kyungsoo snorts, 'No thanks. Unlike you, I still have to see them every day'

'But why don't you wanna go?', Chanyeol asks again, curious to see why anyone would wanna pass out the chance to party.

'Most of my co-workers are bringing their partners', Kyungsoo whines and that's when Chanyeol put the two and two together, 'I haven't… Been with anyone since…'

'Yeah I know', Chanyeol nods, 'You don't have to take anyone with you, just go there yourself'

'Yeah, but it's embarrassing'

'Nah, if they judge just tell them to fuck off'

Kyungsoo laughs at Chanyeol's fuck it attitude. He's relieved that Chanyeol will never have an office job, he knows Chanyeol's gonna get fired the minute he even starts one. 

'I'm not like you', he points out, 'I'm not going, not without anyone anyway'

Chanyeol gets an idea and he gives Kyungsoo a playful smirk.

'Hey, you know me. I wouldn't pass a good night', he winks and Kyungsoo immediately shakes his head, refusing Chanyeol's idea without a second thought.

'I don't fucking think so', Kyungsoo points a warning finger at him, glaring but the smile om Chanyeol's face is already clear, 'I'm not gonna let you embarrass me in front of my colleagues'

'Oh, come on', Chanyeol raises his hand like an innocent kid, but his smirk is anything but, 'You don't want your manager to think you hated him all this time, right?', he points out to which Kyungsoo stops to think about it. For a moment he's hesitant and that's enough for Chanyeol to slip in the idea again.

'Fine, but only if you behave'

* * *

Kyungsoo works at a respectable publishing company, family-owned and mostly caters to interior design, performance art and visual arts portfolios. Chanyeol didn't understand the idea of nonfiction books in general, but books which are made up of just pictures and art with a critical analysis on it and pretentious passages which tries to describe them as something godly and out of this world is something Chanyeol doesn't have time for.

'You know for someone who does art, you're completely judgemental over other people's work', Kyungsoo would say to him whenever Chanyeol makes a snarky remark.

'It's because I do art that I'm judgemental towards everyone's work', Chanyeol would correct him.

But now's not the time to hassle. Chanyeol's got nothing better to do and he needed to get away from his cramped room. Maybe the night will finally give him the muse he's been looking for. 

He arrives at the club with Kyungsoo, towering over the others, his hair damp from the showers. He never bothered to blow dry it so he had to leave it in the natural wavy streak that it is, which didn't sit well with Kyungsoo who wanted him to look at least presentable, but there's no arguing with Chanyeol.

They arrived a little late, but then again it didn't mean anything to Chanyeol who waves and introduces himself to Kyungsoo's co-workers, smiling and making small conversation before walking over at the bar and getting drinks for him and Kyungsoo. He turns back to look at his best friend, seeing him in the crowd laughing amongst the rest. He knew Kyungsoo didn't need him to come with him to the club since he's much more sociable than he gives himself credit for - but Chanyeol's his adrenaline - the one that forces him to take the first step and persuaded him to go to the party. 

They make eye contact and Kyungsoo gives him a thumbs up, making Chanyeol laugh, reciprocating and giving him a thumbs up too whilst he waits for their drinks.

And at precisely 1.02 AM, he finds his muse. Or maybe his muse finds him. Maybe Chanyeol is over romanticising their first meeting, surely alcohol spilt all over his shirt isn't fucking romantic.

'What the fuck', he shouts the moment he feels someone bumping into him, cold liquid pouring on his shirt, 'Dude!'

'I'm so sorry!', he hears a stranger's voice. The club is loud and he could barely hear the dude’s voice due to the loud music, but he feels his touches, sees his hand trying to wipe the alcohol from his shirt with a tissue.

'It's fine, it's fine', Chanyeol shouts out, taking a step back and forcing the stranger to stop patting at his chest.

Their eyes finally meet and Chanyeol is allowed to link the voice to a face - which might work in his favour - since the man is fucking gorgeous. 

'I really didn't mean it', the stranger shouts again and the tall man shakes his heads signalling that it doesn't matter.

'It's okay', Chanyeol shouts back. He might want to spark a conversation with him, seeing that his instant infatuation suddenly heightens his confidence, 'Why don't I buy you a new drink?', he asks and the stranger looks up at him with a shocked expression.

'Don't. I'm the one who spilt it on you'

'Yeah, but now you don't have a drink', Chanyeol smiles, 'Plus we're here now anyway'

'Chanyeol, what the fuck is taking you so long?!', his ever-loving, cockblocking best friend interrupts them, Kyungsoo tugging at Chanyeol and looking down at his chest, 'What happened to your shirt?'

Chanyeol's about to point out to the stranger standing beside him, but then when he turns, he notices that he isn't there anymore. He looks around the club, in search of the beautiful stranger, confused as to why he would just leave without warning, even when he offered him a drink.

'Someone… Spilt their drink on me', Chanyeol explains, his eyes still glancing around, whilst Kyungsoo gives up and gets their drinks for him.

'Well, come on and clean yourself, my manager wants to meet you', Kyungsoo says to him, forcing Chanyeol to give in and abandon his search of the stranger, following Kyungsoo behind.

The night goes on and the stranger disappears. Chanyeol tries for a few moments to look around the club, to see if he can spot the beautiful stranger, but as the night rolls on, he gives up and succumbs to the music, dancing with Kyungsoo and his friends until he feels his head getting dizzy. He’s probably gonna get a fucking hangover after this, but he didn’t care.

* * *

‘What a fucking joke’, Chanyeol whines, sitting down in their small kitchen and hugging his cup of tea which Kyungsoo made, the pair looking like fucking zombies.

‘How do you do this every night?’, Kyungsoo whines, taking his ibuprofen and leaning his forehead on Chanyeol’s shoulder. He didn’t realise he’s been drinking a lot until he had to get his co-worker to drop him off to their house since none of them can drive home.

‘Don’t ask me’, Chanyeol murmurs, allowing Kyungsoo to lean on him as he leans on the latter’s too, ‘I still feel like death every morning’, he admits, the pair laughing as they complain about their hangover, Kyungsoo promising himself that he’ll never drink again and Chanyeol promising that he’ll continue to drink despite the banging headache.

‘I have a day off today and you’re still a useless fucking writer’, Kyungsoo announces, standing up and walking over to the sink, ‘Do you wanna dedicate this day to a full out movie night?’

‘Fucking hell yeah’

That’s what their friendship is like, a consistent time spent with each other despite their differences. It’s odd since they weren’t different when they first met during Secondary school. They were two class clowns, heavy in making others laugh and always up for any challenge. They would get in a lot of shit, daring each other to set fire to their lockers, jumping over the fence and sometimes even bunking off school, they found familiarity when they first met, but over the years, and with a lot of shit being thrown at them, they crossed their roads and became different from each other. Kyungsoo is more reserved, maturing in time and finding comfort in the quiet, his voice no longer loud, but calm yet assertive. Chanyeol changed his ways too, time spent being pressed down by everyone in his life, he found himself sticking with his immaturity as a form of handling life with a smile on his face, even if it meant his childish ways hurt everyone around him.

The pair found that no matter how different they are from each other, they still found comfort in each other’s presence, Chanyeol admitting at one point when he was drunk that Kyungsoo is one of the most valuable people he has in his life.

* * *

Fate seems to be on Chanyeol’s side for once as he walks into Lidl, looking like trash and not caring that he has on an oversized hoodie he hasn’t washed in two weeks, stains everywhere, as he picks up a bottle of Red Bull and five boxes of cheap pizza. Kyungsoo hasn’t been cooking for a while now and Chanyeol can’t keep up with his egg and rice meals anymore.

Just when he’s about to make his way to the queue, he sees the beautiful stranger he forgot he met. But then, despite the dim lights and the loud music, he remembers his face.

Chanyeol’s not much to turn down a challenge, so he immediately makes a beeline to the man pushing his trolley past the pasta aisle.

‘Hey’

‘Uh, hello?’

The tap on the shoulder was probably creepy, seeing as Chanyeol has his hood up to cover his greasy ass hair, and him holding five boxes of pizza didn’t help his image.

‘Do, I know you?’

‘It depends, do you remember spilling your drink on me in the club?’

The beautiful man furrows his eyebrows, thinking for a minute before the memory starts to flood in, his lips parting in surprise as he points to Chanyeol, ‘You’re the one that was willing to pay for a new drink, right?’

‘That’s the one’, Chanyeol smiles, ‘I would shake your hand officially, but I kinda have my hands full’, the stranger laughs when he looks down and finds a Chanyeol struggle to keep hold of the boxes.

‘Don’t you want to get a basket for that?’

‘It’s fine, I was just about to go and pay for these, actually’, Chanyeol admits, ‘I just recognised you and wanted to introduce myself officially’

‘Well, it’s nice to meet you…’. The man couldn’t finish off his sentence and Chanyeol realised that upon their second conversation, they still haven’t exchanged names yet.

‘Ah right. I’m Chanyeol Park’

‘Nice to meet you’, the stranger smiles, ‘I’m Baekhyun Byun’

* * *

Chanyeol is lucky enough to spot Baekhyun walking around the Town Centre and he immediately pieces it together. He must live around the area. Chanyeol didn’t want to be a stalker, so he doesn’t approach Baekhyun when he sees him leaving Asda with bags of groceries in his hand or sometimes, he’d just see Baekhyun sitting down on one of the park benches reading a book.

It freaks him out that he’s never seen Baekhyun before, but now he’s fucking everywhere.

Even though he promises himself he’s not going to act like a prick, that doesn’t mean he’s not gonna gush to Kyungsoo every day of how he would always meet the boy.

‘Can you stop talking about him already’, is all Kyungsoo inputs in the conversation, ignoring Chanyeol most of the time, ‘Just talk to him and leave me alone’, after that, he gets up and goes to his room to get away from Chanyeol’s gushing.

Surely enough, it wasn’t Chanyeol who gained the balls to approach the boy, it’s Baekhyun himself. And it came a bit of a shock.

‘I notice you frequent around here; do you live near too?’, Chanyeol, once again in his oversized hoodie, turns back to hear Baekhyun’s voice behind him and he almost jumps.

‘Woah, hey’, he greets the latter, to which Baekhyun chuckles at his cute reaction, ‘I didn’t see you coming’

‘No’, Baekhyun nods, ‘Sorry if I scared you, It’s just… I keep seeing you everywhere’

‘Well, I live like a good ten minutes away from here’, Chanyeol points out and he sees Baekhyun smiling at the news.

‘Really? Me too!’, Baekhyun gleams, ‘I moved here a couple of months ago’

_Ah, that’s probably why he’s only seen Baekhyun recently._

‘I’ve lived here for a good three years now’, Chanyeol informs, ‘If you want, I can show you around?’

‘I’ve pretty much seen and explored all I need to’, Baekhyun smiles, ‘It’s all I could do after work since my friends back home live two hours away from me so they can’t visit me often’

‘Oh, well, have you been to The Common?’

‘The what?’, Baekhyun asks, tilting his head, ‘What’s that?’

‘The best place here’

* * *

Chanyeol remembers the first thing he did when he and Kyungsoo moved to the area, is to find the best pub and begged them for him to perform. The bartender kicked him out at first, but with excessive begging and a growing reputation amongst the customers, he finally did his first gig on a Friday night with his old guitar and his hoarse voice. He’s been a regular, but he recently stopped when a producer slid his business card over his way and Chanyeol immediately leapt at the opportunity.

Since then he only plays a few nights if he feels like it. And tonight, he fucking feels like it.

‘What’re you doing?’, the bartender asks as he sees Chanyeol setting up, leaning on the table and watching the tall idiot sitting down with his old guitar, ‘Kyungsoo told me you’re in a slump’

‘Yeah well, I might as well use my voice before it starts to rust up’, Chanyeol explains, looking up and laughing with Michael, someone who used to hate him and his excessive talking, but over time, he got used to him – everyone got used to Chanyeol.

‘Quit smoking and you wouldn’t have that problem’, Michael tells him off before going back and catering his other customers.

‘You frequent here?’, Baekhyun asks, being the new face as he settles down on the table right in front of the small stage fixed at the end of the pub, seeing a few people scattered inside despite it being midday on a weekday.

‘I used to come here every Friday to perform’, Chanyeol tunes his guitar, feeling the old strings slowly give way. He should probably make a note to buy new strings, ‘But now I just perform when I feel like it’

It isn’t long until Baekhyun is introduced to Chanyeol’s voice, watching as he strums his guitar, the soft strings accompanied with his deep voice singing so smoothly despite the hoarseness. Baekhyun couldn’t help but admire the way he performed; how melancholic his eyes became. It made him wonder what stories were behind those faded eyes.

* * *

‘You were amazing’, Baekhyun says as they walk out of the pub, the skies turning grey and quickly darkening as Autumn shortens the day. Chanyeol can feel the cold breeze, walking beside Baekhyun towards the bus stop.

‘Thanks’, Chanyeol replies, ‘Although, I’m not much of a performer. I’m more of a songwriter’

‘Why can’t you be both?’, Baekhyun asks to which Chanyeol gives a thought. He’s wondered what it feels like to release his album and perform in a bigger stage playing his songs, but then again, life isn’t as generous as they were promised when they were young, so he had to get by in writing songs for other artists. It’s no big deal. He just doesn’t know how to write songs for himself anymore.

‘Maybe one day’

‘I think you have it in you’, Baekhyun encourages, stopping once they finally reach the bus stop, the pair waiting together, Baekhyun shivering from the breeze. Chanyeol didn’t want to argue with him. He didn’t want to tell the beautiful man of his baggage and insecurities, not when he can spend the rest of the night watching him smile instead. He’d much rather prefer that.

* * *

Their time spent together grows, with Chanyeol being more or less unemployed, bringing his scratched-up guitar to the park where he finds Baekhyun reading a book after work. The two find comfort in each other, their humour both dry yet competent to kill the boredom between the two of them. Chanyeol continues to notice the little beauties hidden in Baekhyun, like the beauty spot below his lip, or the way he smiles, his teeth and gums showing, eyes disappearing in a crescent moon-like shape. Even his little nuance has kept Chanyeol up all night, a motion of somewhat obsession that Chanyeol’s never felt for anyone before – or maybe he has – he’s forgotten most of his exes the moment they separate ways. But the feeling of something new coming into his life is something he has yet to get bored of – since he’s a man who always wants to spot something new and shiny to keep – and in this case, it comes in the form of the beauty sitting next to him.

‘So, anything new you’ve got?’, Baekhyun asks as he watches Chanyeol tune the strings of his guitar, waiting patiently, leaning his arms on the table. After work, he feels excited when he sees the tall guy walking towards him and his usual seat with a guitar case behind his back. It made him look forward to the evening ahead of him, despite the growing cold, his coat wrapped around him. He still feels chilly but that doesn’t stop him from listening to Chanyeol. He can never get used to it, how brilliantly natural he is, how smooth the melody jumps out of his fingers.

‘I may be getting out of my slump’, Chanyeol says.

‘Oh really? Have you written something new?’

‘Maybe’

‘Let’s hear it then’

* * *

Kyungsoo walks into the kitchen at one o’clock in the morning, seeing that the lights are already open, the strong strums of the guitar playing. He looks at the dining table, bombarded in scraps of paper, Chanyeol’s messy writing written all over it.

‘Finally getting your groove back?’, Kyungsoo asks as he turns on the kettle, making himself a cup of tea after a restless night, looking at the way Chanyeol’s brow furrowed in concentration, smelling the smoke from his shirt.

‘Yeah, I think I can finish this song by the end of the day’

‘It’s one o’clock Chan, this is the end of the day’

‘Oh, stop being such a smartass’, Chanyeol rolls his eyes, looking down at his lyrics, ignoring his dented skin and ink-covered fingers, his eyes scanning on the words, never-ending in his mind. He keeps on thinking about his smile, the way his nose crunched when he laughs, his eyes brightly looking at him as he sits on the park table, strumming his guitar in the cold, only the two of them present.

‘Is this because of a certain stranger catching your eye?’, Kyungsoo asks when he notices the smile which hints at Chanyeol’s lips, knowing the same smile, ‘Let me guess, it’s that Baekhyun guy, right?’

‘You should meet him Kyungsoo’, Chanyeol finally looks up and watches his best friend pouring himself a hot cup of tea, ‘You’d love him’

‘I probably will’, Kyungsoo says, sitting down in front of Chanyeol, taking a piece of paper and reading the words, smiling when he realised the old emotions his best friend used to emit when writing his songs can subtly be felt in Chanyeol’s newer works. Whoever this stranger is, if he can make Chanyeol feel like this again, then he’s good in his books.

* * *

Chanyeol leans on the wall outside of Asda, a fag hanging between his lips, his frozen hands bringing his lighter forward. The night is brutal cold, his coat not doing shit in keeping him warm. Despite that, Chanyeol finds himself taking a walk around the neighbourhood. Midnight has always been his friend, with the notion of busy London passing him by, it’s nice to find peace and emptiness in a city which refuses to sleep, seeing the empty roads which he walks on, jumping on the park benches and laying on the concrete floor. Ironically the feeling of emptiness made him feel alive, made him feel like he can breathe again.

‘Chanyeol?’

‘Baekhyun?’

The beautiful stranger – who’s no longer a stranger – walks up to him, a small plastic bag hanging on his arm, his hands hidden deep in his pockets, probably to try and keep warm too.

‘What’re you up to?’, Baekhyun asks to which Chanyeol chuckles, breathing out an air of smoke. Baekhyun coughs.

‘Sorry’, Chanyeol apologised, once he noticed the man furrow his brow and scrunch his nose at the smell. He takes the cigarette out of his lips, placing it between his fingers and lowering it, ‘You probably hate the smell’

‘Yeah, kinda’, Baekhyun admits, awkwardly chuckling as he stands beside Chanyeol, leaning on the wall.

‘Wanna try it?’, Chanyeol offers and he laughs when Baekhyun shakes his head, his disgusted expression back on his face.

‘I hate cigarettes’

‘Yeah, I can tell’, Chanyeol comments, the flickering lights from the street lamps making their shadows dance.

‘Why did you start smoking?’, Baekhyun suddenly asks to which Chanyeol chuckles, placing the cigarette back between his dried lips, ‘Sorry’, he quickly apologised when he noticed the latter’s reaction.

‘Don’t worry about it’, Chanyeol responds, ‘It’s a plausible question’

‘Are you going to answer it?’

‘Bad influence, I guess’, Chanyeol shrugs his shoulders, blowing out another air of grey smoke, this time turning his head away from Baekhyun, ‘I supposed we’ve all hung out with dickheads before’

‘True’, Baekhyun nods, ‘Is that all you learnt from them though?’

‘Oh God no’, Chanyeol laughs, ‘This is child’s play compared to what I used to do’, he laughs at the memory now, but no more than three years ago, he probably wouldn’t be finding his situation amusing.

‘But, you’re okay now, right?’

‘Why the sudden worry?’, Chanyeol tilts his head, pulling his hoodie up and looking down at Baekhyun. His new friend just gives him a vague smile, leaning on the wall and coughing slightly – probably from the smell of cigarettes.

‘I just don’t want a friend of mine to go through shit’

‘I’m your friend?’

‘Well, what else are you going to be?’, Baekhyun smiles, his chuckles filling the silent night to which became music to Chanyeol’s ears – _fuck –_ he can feel himself turn into a useless fucking romantic.

* * *

Chanyeol quits smoking. Well, he tries.

Kyungsoo is freaked out about the sudden change of habit as he walks in to find plastic bags full of nicotine patches replacing Chanyeol’s usual purchase of fags. He sees his best friend’s sleeves rolled up as he strums on his guitar, editing something on his laptop and his eyes peer on the patches stuck all over his arm.

‘What the hell are you doing?’, he asks, pointing at the squares on his skin to which Chanyeol gives him the widest grin, lifting his half-empty coffee mug and draining the rest of the content down in one go.

‘Aren’t you proud of me?’, he says, the goofy smile never leaving his face, ‘It’s been three days and no smoke’

‘You’ll get cravings soon’, Kyungsoo points out with his monotonous voice, not at all excited as Chanyeol expected him to be, but then again, he’d tried quitting before and only got up to his third day before he gave up and bought himself a packet of cigarette, finishing it all in one night. He pats his best friend on the back as comfort and reclamation that he’s seen the poor dick trying, but he doesn’t say much else as he makes himself a cup of tea.

‘You know, you should be more excited’, Chanyeol says, ‘If you were like this three years ago, I’d be dead’, Kyungsoo freezes, turning to face him, his eyes looming in curiosity. No matter what happened three years ago, Chanyeol never mentioned it the moment they moved into their new house after they both promised that this new chapter of their life will be as far away from who they were when they left their hometown. Kyungsoo never brings it up in fear it might trigger Chanyeol and he gave up trying to make the latter open up about it himself, so to hear him mention it so nonchalantly made him nervous more than relieved.

‘What’s going on?’, he asks again, this time more worried.

‘Nothing’, Chanyeol once again smiles at him, and this time, Kyungsoo noticed that the smile looked familiar. It looked like the smile Chanyeol used to make way back when life didn’t fuck them over.

‘Is it that new kid?’, he asks now that he’s thinking about it, slowly realising that Chanyeol’s time recently has been spent with the new guy he’s been talking about. His best friend didn’t say anything, but the smile on his face didn’t leave either and that’s more than enough of an answer for Kyungsoo.

He smiles at the sight. But he hides something else.

* * *

‘Move outta my way’, Chanyeol pushes past a random stranger, his attitude at its peak, his hands shaking and head dizzy. He’s been off cigarettes for three and a half days and he feels like he’s going crazy. He’s cranky and he wants to throw a punch at the first person he sees. Kyungsoo’s right, Chanyeol has a hard time passing the third day and he feels like he might give up today and buy a packet. He doesn’t want to, but he passes a convenience store and he sees the stack of cigarette packets hidden behind a locked counter at the back of the cashier and all of a sudden, he wants to fill his lungs with smoke.

He pushes past the crowd and walks in, feeling the warmth of the store as he walks straight to the cashier, pushing past yet another stranger minding his business.

‘Woah’, Baekhyun is about to call out the rude man who pushed him when he recognised Chanyeol, even with his hood up, ‘Are you okay?’, he noticed how agitated the tall man was, dark circles forming under his eyes, ‘What’s going on?

‘Nothing’, the latter replies, forcing to suppress his anger at the sight of the beautiful man before him. He didn’t want to show Baekhyun his shit side, so he bites the inside of his tongue and hides his shaky hands inside his pockets, ‘I’m just…’

‘Just what?’

‘Just at my millionth time failing to quit’, Chanyeol fakes a smile, walking over to the counter and pointing at the packet of cigarette to the cashier, asking for two to which Baekhyun walks over and stands beside him.

‘You’re quitting?’

‘I was’, Chanyeol admits whilst he hands his spare change to the man behind the counter.

‘Woah, how long?’

‘Three days’

‘Okay’, Baekhyun nods, grabbing the two packets of cigarettes before Chanyeol can grab it, ‘Well, make it four then’

‘Baekhyun, give that back’, Chanyeol says, his voice hoarse and calm yet his eyes say otherwise, glaring at him as he walks backwards, giving him a sly smile whilst he still had the packets in his hands.

‘I’ll take these as a gift’, he calls out to him, ‘Make sure you make it up to five when we meet again’

‘Baekhyun, I’m not joking, give that back’, he says again, this time growling at the end of his voice can be heard, stomping to Baekhyun and reaching his hand out, ‘I need a fag’

‘What you need is some motivation’, Baekhyun points out, breathing out the fog as they walk outside and immediately gets hit with the cold, ‘Once you get past the first week, it’ll be easier’

‘I don’t give a shit, just give me my fag’, Chanyeol threatens, his eyes glaring as he grips on Baekhyun’s wrist, tugging him, ‘Give it to me, now’

‘No’, Baekhyun’s smile is gone as he glares back at Chanyeol, holding onto the latter’s grip on him, pushing back, ‘If you’re going to quit, don’t give up’

‘I’m not in the mood to joke around’

‘I’m not joking’, Baekhyun pushes him, ‘I’m telling you to keep going’

‘And why should I?’, Chanyeol groans, ‘I felt shit all day and all I need is a-’, Chanyeol stops talking as soon as he sees Baekhyun opening both packets, spilling each fag on the wet ground and stepping on them to which he instantly pushes him away, forcing him to stop his actions, ‘What the actual fuck?!’, he screams at him, ‘Do you fucking know how much those cost?’

‘Well, looks like you don’t have money to buy yourself another pack’, Baekhyun simply shrugs, throwing the empty packets on the floor, letting it join the damp cigarettes between them.

‘You’re a cunt, you know, that right?’

Baekhyun seems taken aback by Chanyeol’s harsh words, feeling his chest tighten at the way the latter glared at him.

‘I’m only trying to help’, he defends himself, but Chanyeol isn’t having any of it as he pushes him again, this time harsher than before, Baekhyun almost losing his balance, ‘What the fuck is wrong with you?’

‘Stop buggering me and stay out of my business’, Chanyeol growls, grabbing his collar and tugging him closer to him, ‘If I wanted a fag, then let me have one’

‘Shout at me all you want, but if you don’t get past your third day, then you’ll never fucking quit’, Baekhyun threatens him back by pushing him away, ripping Chanyeol’s hands out of his shirt, ‘So suck it up for another fucking night’, annoyed at the latter, he turns his back and leaves Chanyeol to sulk by himself, not wanting to argue any further.

This left Chanyeol with a dilemma as he looks down on the floor, seeing the cigarettes still there, contemplating whether to pick one up and hope it’ll light up. But his anger and annoyance with Baekhyun caused him to stomp back home without thinking about anything else, other than the fact that he needed some fucking coffee or else his head will explode.

He bangs the door shut, causing a rippling noise to shout across the house, informing Kyungsoo that he’s home.

‘What’s up with you?’, Kyungsoo asks as he checks up on him, concerned with his agitated attitude as he punches the wall, ‘Hey, Chanyeol, what the fuck?’

‘He’s a fucking prick’, Chanyeol grinds his teeth, closing his eyes as he tries not to think about him, ‘Twenty quid wasted on the fucking floor’

‘What the fuck are you talking about?’

‘Baekhyun’, Chanyeol hisses his name, ‘The prick threw my cigarettes out before I can even-’

‘Woah, wait a minute’, Kyungsoo stops him, ‘You haven’t smoked today?’

‘I was about to until this prick stole my packet and threw them’

‘He did that?’, Kyungsoo asks, raising an eyebrow and smirking, slightly impressed by the stranger’s bravery. Chanyeol can get violent and harsh when he’s craving, which is why Kyungsoo doesn’t stop him anymore when he leaps out of the house to grab a new packet after another failed attempt at quitting.

‘Fucking prick’, Chanyeol hisses again, but Kyungsoo’s still smiling, seeing that Chanyeol has no impulse to go buy another packet – the bastard might be successful this time around.

* * *

Kyungsoo, albeit his annoyance at hearing his best friend talk for hours, listened to some of Chanyeol’s stories and knows that he and the new man in his life have been meeting in the park recently in the afternoon. He had no plans to meet the new stranger that’s edged his way into Chanyeol’s life, but after about a week of observation, he thought it’d be best to finally interject.

He had an idea of what he looked like after sneaking a look at Chanyeol’s phone, seeing one canon photo of the man reading something, his eyes glued on the pages and unaware of the camera pointed at him. Kyungsoo can only wish he can recognise the man quickly since the winter winds are getting cruel and all he wants is to find the warmth. He wondered if the man is still going to be hanging around the park during the cruel weather, but his speculations are put into rest when he finds a man akin to the photo engrained in his mind, sitting on a park bench with a book open in his hands.

‘Baekhyun?’, he says the name and sighs in relief when he sees the man look up at him.

‘Who are you?’

‘I’m Kyungsoo… Uh, I’m a friend of Chanyeol’s’

‘Oh’, is all he managed to say, his expression still confused.

‘Chanyeol told me about you’

‘Has he?’

‘Yeah’, Kyungsoo smiles, ‘He’s doing great by the way’

‘Oh’

‘I just wanted you to know that cos I heard you helped him get passed his fourth day’

‘He’s still going?’

‘Yeah, it’s been a whole week and he still hasn’t touched a cigarette’, Kyungsoo informs him, seeing a small smile creeping in Baekhyun’s expression, ‘And his mood’s gotten a lot better, so he’s out of that phase too’

‘That’s good’

‘Look, I wanted to come here because he’s being a coward and doesn’t wanna admit that he feels guilty lashing out on you’, Kyungsoo finally explains himself, sitting down next to Baekhyun, ‘Whatever he said to you, he didn’t mean it… You know how it is when smokers quit… They get irritated easily’

‘Yeah, I know…’, Baekhyun nods, a slight sadness hinted at his voice, ‘I’m not gonna lie though, he was a bit of a dick’

‘A bit?’, Kyungsoo laughs, ‘Don’t downplay it, he was a major cunt to you, wasn’t he?’

‘You guys use that word so freely’, Baekhyun cringes, feeling discomfort to which Kyungsoo apologises for.

‘Sorry, you end up talking like Chanyeol the more you hang out with him’, Kyungsoo says, ‘But, I hope you don’t hold a grudge on him. He’s a dick, but he’s a nice guy’

* * *

Chanyeol finds a surprise on a Friday night at The Common when Kyungsoo bailed out on meeting him after his performance, ditching him for the first time only to be replaced by Baekhyun sitting in his seat instead.

He misses a beat as he stares at him, coughing as he’s forced to start again.

Baekhyun laughs at his reaction, leaning back on the chair and watching Chanyeol play, his voice soft yet deep as he begins to sing. They haven’t seen each other since their recent fight, so there’s awkwardness in their glances, but just as quickly as Baekhyun felt safe around Chanyeol, they both threw out the discomfort in the fight, cleaning the slate as Chanyeol finishes his song, Baekhyun clapping for him.

‘So, you decided to visit’, Chanyeol asks as he packs his guitar away, approaching Baekhyun’s table.

‘Well, I was waiting for a certain douche to apologise to me, but he never came’, Baekhyun sighs, faking a concerned look, ‘So I guess I have to look for my apology’

‘Right’, Chanyeol nods, remembering his impulsive anger, feeling guilty again, ‘Sorry about that’

‘It’s okay’, Baekhyun finally smiles again, ‘I heard my interjectory worked. You’ve officially quit smoking’

‘Two weeks and counting’, Chanyeol smiles back at him, ‘All thanks to you by the way’

‘Well, I’ve been told that I’m an amazing influence on others’, Baekhyun jokes, laughing as he takes a sip of his drink, the two finally making space for each other.

The singer looks down on his watch. 1.02 am.

‘You should probably get going, it’s getting late’, he mentions, Baekhyun nodding in agreement as he finishes his last bottle, the two-walking side by side as Chanyeol offers to drop him home. Their short friendship stopped when Chanyeol looked at Baekhyun’s side profile, noticing just how beautiful the man is – he’s always known Baekhyun is pretty – but in the night, with just the streetlights shining down on them, he felt more intrigued by the man, so much so that he wanted to feel his soft lips against his.

Chanyeol wants to feel Baekhyun, all of him, as soon as they stopped walking, Baekhyun leaning on the gates of his house, smiling at Chanyeol as they make it to his home.

He’s always had an impulsive attitude, leaping headfirst in the first opportunity that he can feel alive and euphoric, thus the numerous drugs and sex, yet this time, the way Baekhyun waves at him, his voice when he parts, made him want to do the complete opposite. He didn’t want to jump headfirst. For the first time, he wanted to savour the moment, to take his time and slowly fall in love with Byun Baekhyun.

So, he lets him go, waving goodbye to him with a small smile on his face, promising that the next time they meet, he’ll make Baekhyun fall in love with him.

* * *

Two months have passed and Chanyeol is busy. Much busy than he had expected, with the promise of a new collaboration with big bands preparing their new album.

‘The 1975?’, Kyungsoo reads the e-mail, ‘Didn’t you just finish working with Lewis Capaldi?’, he asks as he enters Chanyeol’s room, which is now in a messy state even though he remembered cleaning it a few weeks ago, clothes all over the floor, crumbs and coke stains on the table whilst Chanyeol strums his guitar, creating a new melody.

‘I’ve sent a few of my samples to their company and apparently, the band likes it and wants to work with me’, Chanyeol informs him, yet his eyes are still glued to his laptop, his guitar pick hanging on the edge of his lips, calloused fingers typing something fast, ‘I need to send them my demo by the end of the week’

‘You’re suddenly overworking yourself’, his best friend comments, ‘Don’t go overboard like last time’

‘The last time I overworked, we manage to pay our rent on time with money to spare’, Chanyeol points out, giving his best friend a cheeky smile to which Kyungsoo rolls his eyes.

‘You also collapsed and spent a week in hospital’

‘You only remember the bad stuff’

‘You make me remember the bad stuff’, he retaliates to which Chanyeol can’t refute. He remembered waking up and seeing Kyungsoo sitting by his side, sitting uncomfortably on the chair whilst resting his head on the bed, gaining some sleep whilst caring for Chanyeol. The latter has always felt guilty for Kyungsoo’s sacrifices for him – all he ever wants to do is make it up to him.

‘Just you wait’, Chanyeol smiles, his optimism seeping in, ‘Once Harry releases his album, we’re going to be filthy rich’

‘You said that last time when you worked with Stormzy, but guess where you spent all the money on?’

‘I quit smoking!’, Chanyeol shouts proudly, ‘I’m not even on nicotine patches anymore!’

‘Are you gonna quit smoking weed too?’, Kyungsoo asks to which his best friend gives him to silence – an obvious choice, ‘Exactly’

‘I won’t waste it on drugs this time, I promise’

‘Why would I believe you?’

‘I quit smoking, didn’t I?’

* * *

_ Three years ago _

_‘Chanyeol’s been taken into an institute’_

Of fucking course, he is. Kyungsoo knew that it was only a matter of time before he sees his best friend hollow and broken. The only regret he has was that he wasn’t there at Chanyeol’s collapse.

_‘He was out with friends’_

_‘He’s been arrested for pickpocketing again’_

_‘He’s been diagnosed with clinical depression and ICD’_

All the words and rumours flying around about him had gotten out of control. Their hometown – small and community-driven – couldn’t help but spread the stories until it reached the edges of town, known by everyone who had no business poking their noses at their direction.

‘Kyungsoo, are you alright dear?’, his mother asked him, she noticed his agitated state, his legs shaken as he left his untouched tea go cold, ‘Darling, we’re not allowed to visit Chanyeol yet, but-’

‘He needs me Mum’, Kyungsoo interrupted her, worried for the friend he had kept close since they were teenagers, ‘I’m supposed to be there for him, but I’m not’

‘You’ve done everything you can’, his mother assured him, ‘But there’s a point where he needs to do it himself. He needs to save himself’

* * *

‘You like him, don’t you?’, Kyungsoo asks as he watches Chanyeol smiling, looking down at his screen to which the former peaks to find a picture of Baekhyun. He notices that his friend would feel lighter, relaxed when he’s speaking about the man and it made him feel something he hasn’t felt for years.

Their time spent together is not labelled as anything. Chanyeol himself doesn’t even know what they have, friendship? More than that? A growing fondness? Sexual desire? He couldn’t lie to himself. He’d thought of pinning Baekhyun to the wall and fucking him – he’s thought of obscene things that got him staying up and wanking off to the image of Baekhyun’s voice moaning his name. But that’s the thing, he didn’t know whether the feelings are reciprocated. He supposes he didn’t hide his feelings much with the way he spent most of his hours with Baekhyun, even the way he looks at the latter, bystanders can tell that there’s something more to it than friendship. But what?

Seems like Chanyeol needs to figure it out and tell Baekhyun.


	2. II

**PART TWO; FALLING OUT OF LOVE**

So often, it’s hard to find the perfect moment to approach someone with the feelings you’ve been building up for them for so many months. Chanyeol has left it all a little too last minute the moment he hears Baekhyun talking about someone else.

‘His name is Sehun Oh’

Chanyeol meets Baekhyun at The Common, with his usual smile and a folder of new lyrics all inspired by the man sitting in front of him.

‘He’s new, so thank God I’m no longer the new person around’, Baekhyun chuckles, sipping his water since he doesn’t drink alcohol that often, ‘He says he wants to get to know me, I’m not sure what he meant, but I was kinda hoping he was asking me out on a date. What do you think?’

‘Huh?’, Chanyeol asks, not listening to him, the reverberating word of ‘date’ and ‘hope’ rushing through his mind as he watches Baekhyun’s facial expression, which changes into a somewhat shy manner, like a schoolgirl talking about her crush.

‘Do you think he’s asking me out on a date?’, Baekhyun asks again, this time making Chanyeol tense, the latter hiding his hands underneath the table as he pinches himself.

‘I guess he is’, Chanyeol says, which makes Baekhyun smile, and no matter how fucked up the situation is, Chanyeol couldn’t help but feel warm at the very same smile that’s been changing him. He didn’t care how he makes Baekhyun smile, he realises, he just needed to see it.

* * *

Kyungsoo wakes up to a loud thud in the middle of the night. He squints his eyes, looking down on his phone to check the time.

1.02 am.

He hears another thud, this time followed by the sound of glass breaking, causing him to get up from the bed, rushing downstairs to where he finds Chanyeol sprawl out on the floor, his hands bleeding from the shredded vase laying around him.

‘You’re fucking drunk’, he says with annoyance in his voice as he walks down, kicking Chanyeol’s sides, ‘I thought you said you were working’

‘I was…’, Chanyeol manages to mumble, trying to get up but stumbling back down. He’s made a mess in the corridor, the broken glass joined with unopened letters that fell from the small coffee table beside the front door, ‘They wanted to celebrate the release of the album with…’

Kyungsoo didn’t let his best friend finish. He kneels down and yanks Chanyeol’s face towards him, looking into his eyes with a frustrated look.

‘You’re high too’, he states, although there’s no surprise anymore. Kyungsoo’s seen this more than once, ‘I told you not to get high anymore’

‘You know I can control it’, Chanyeol smiles, but his eyes are empty, which makes Kyungsoo nervous. Seeing Chanyeol high isn’t a first and most of the time, he only did it because someone pressured him to do so, but coming home with the same hollow expression he used to have three years ago made him think that he purposely got himself into this situation.

‘What happened?’, he asks, ‘Did something go wrong?’

‘Nope’, Chanyeol shakes his head like a child, pouting his lip as he leans his head on Kyungsoo’s shoulders, ‘I’m just happy I have you’, he mumbles, his hands still bleeding and staining both their shirts as he rests his palm on Kyungsoo’s torso. The latter looks down on him and sighs, not wanting to yell at him when he’s injured.

Kyungsoo spends the rest of the night cleaning up Chanyeol’s wound, tucking him into bed and watching him fall asleep until he’s sure that his best friend’s okay before closing his eyes, laying next to him and feeling his heartbeat as he falls asleep.

* * *

Chanyeol listens to Baekhyun speak. He found comfort in the melody that is his voice, that he lulls himself into a daze just listening to him, smiling at every word, even if it’s about someone else.

‘He’s taking me to a show next week’, Baekhyun continues his story, a date which involves someone else but Chanyeol.

Sehun Oh. He’s become the topic of their conversation lately, Chanyeol strumming minor chords as he listens to Baekhyun’s multiple dates with the unknown stranger that’s been edging his way between him and Baekhyun.

Everything is happening a little too fast for Chanyeol to comprehend. It seems like only yesterday that he and Baekhyun would spend the whole night sitting outside in the freezing cold, only their phone lights illuminating their surroundings, Chanyeol humming a song as he watches Baekhyun smiling at him. Now he wonders if he smiles like that when he’s with Sehun.

‘Maybe I should introduce you to him’, Baekhyun claps his hand, a wave of excitement coursing through him at the thought of two of his worlds colliding.

Chanyeol fakes a smile, his fingers twisted with the strings of his guitar, ‘That would be fantastic’

* * *

They meet in The Common, Chanyeol sitting on stage as he tunes his guitar, seeing Kyungsoo sitting on their usual table, which makes him smile at the familiarity. He finds a home at the expectation that he will always find Kyungsoo sitting at the same place, staring at him with the same supportive smile he’s always had since they were young.

But the very feeling of comfort is replaced with a tightening grip on his chest as he looks up, his smile disappearing when his eyes land on the intertwined hands, walking side by side as they speak to each other, lost in their own world already.

‘Chanyeol!’, Baekhyun shouts at him, gaining his attention. He looks proud, excited that he’ll get to introduce Chanyeol to someone who’s been infiltrating his thoughts lately.

Sehun Oh.

He’s tall. Almost as tall as him. Handsome too, no doubt, pale skin, narrow face and somewhat of a cool vibe that looks pretentious but he somehow also pulls it off. He feels like hell.

Kyungsoo notices his best friend’s sudden change in expression and he turns back immediately, following Chanyeol’s gaze which lands upon the two boys sitting right behind him. Then everything clicked. Kyungsoo immediately pieces the broken jigsaws of feelings that Chanyeol’s been stirring lately and it all makes sense when he sees Baekhyun finding comfort with another man. He turns back and just like when they were teenagers, he scrunches his nose and makes a funny face to Chanyeol, calling for his attention. Their eyes meet, and he sticks out his tongue, pretending to make a face of stench, making his best friend laugh, distracting him just for a second, which is more than enough for the both of them. Chanyeol reciprocates and sticks his tongue back at Kyungsoo, winking at his best friend before he starts his performance.

Kyungsoo notices the improvement in Chanyeol’s voice, the hoarseness is now gone, being replaced by something smooth and flowing, like a coursing river. He closes his eyes and smiles – it sounds like the Chanyeol in his youth – the carefree idiot he met by chance whilst he was trying to find his class. He feels as though he’s thirteen once more, laying down on the grass in his P.E uniform as he looks up at the blue skies, hearing Chanyeol singing to him old songs that he found in his dad’s cassette tapes, singing them to Kyungsoo every day until the latter slowly got into the habit of anticipating those soft vocals calming him to sleep as they skip lessons together. He finds the old voice he once fell in love with so long ago.

But the voice belongs to someone else now. Chanyeol can only look at Baekhyun, seeing the latter cheer him on, clapping after the end of every song, cheering on for the next one. If it was just like any other time, his head would have exploded at how fucking beautiful Baekhyun looks, but the man beside him distracted him, the way he so casually brings his arms around Baekhyun, resting his chin on the latter’s shoulders. It made him imagine the soft touches he yearns to make with Baekhyun, how his fingers long to strum something else other than his guitar.

_Fuck._

This is why Chanyeol shouldn’t be a fucking romantic.

* * *

‘Are they fucking?’, Kyungsoo asks after the show as he sits next to Chanyeol, who’s too busy drowning himself in alcohol to notice Baekhyun giving himself to another man on the other side of the pub.

‘How am I supposed to fucking know’, Chanyeol growls, sensitive to the bone when it comes to Baekhyun and Kyungsoo instantly noticed.

‘You should’ve told your feelings before it happened’

‘I don’t need to be lectured by you’, Chanyeol whines, throwing down another shot of vodka, wanting to drown away his best friend’s nagging voice.

‘I’m only saying. If you wanted to be serious with Baekhyun, then you should’ve confessed your feelings sooner’

‘Look, I know you’re supposed to be the normal one out of the two of us, but romantic advice isn’t your fucking forte either mate’, Chanyeol cuts him off before Kyungsoo unpacks his speeches about love and bravery and all the other bullshit he keeps on telling Chanyeol whenever the latter is too close to the edge.

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’, Kyungsoo scrunches his eyebrows, offended by Chanyeol’s sudden harsh words which he should’ve seen coming since he’s on his eighth shot of vodka, but then again, seeing his old Chanyeol come back, even for a second, Kyungsoo had some form of hope.

‘You bagged yourself a man who was head over heels for you. I mean, he was a pretentious prick, but he was rich… I mean fucking filthy rich! Plus, he followed you around all throughout university! The man was ready to die for you and what did you do? Say no to him?’

‘We went out for like three years’

‘And you broke it off as soon as he proposed to you’, Chanyeol scoffs, ‘I mean that’s just stupid’

‘I found out I wasn’t in love with him’

‘How the fuck do you find that out after three years of dating? What a fucking waste of time for the both of you’

‘Look, I’m not the best in terms of relationship either, but don’t go around judging my fucking decision’, Kyungsoo raises his voice, tugging fiercely at Chanyeol’s sleeves, forcing him to look at his direction – something that he’s been doing for so long, it pains him – Chanyeol’s eyes are already red and he knows the man is too far gone to reason, so he just simply sighs and lets go of his sleeves, ‘You’re a fucking prick, you know that’

‘So are you’

‘I didn’t love him. I never have’

‘Then why did you even go out with him?’

‘Because’

_I thought I was over you._

‘Because?’, Chanyeol asks, egging him to finish his sentence, but Kyungsoo could never. Because Kyungsoo is a hypocrite. Because he tells his best friend that he should’ve confessed to the beautiful man on the other side of the bar when he himself doesn’t even have the courage to confess to his best friend who he’s been in love with for years now.

‘Because’. Kyungsoo replies, but he doesn’t end his sentence, instead, he’s hidden in a liminal state of denial, as he shrugs his shoulders and steals Chanyeol’s drink, letting the burn of the alcohol run down his throat, shaking his growing emotions which threaten to pierce his heart.

* * *

It’s 1.02 am.

Chanyeol drags him and Kyungsoo into the house, dropping the house keys on the floor as soon as they enter, both of them pissed out of their minds. But Chanyeol took the initiative to get them the fuck home when he sees Kyungsoo passed out on the floor of the pub, their steps haggard and uneven, but together nonetheless.

‘Fucking hell, why did you get drunk as well’, Chanyeol slurs his words, feeling his stomach churn as he drags himself into the living room, holding onto Kyungsoo’s hands, the pair finally making it next to the sofa. The tall fucker looks up, feeling sick at the thought of climbing up on the sofa, so he accepts his defeat and finds comfort on the hard carpet, his cheeks and elbows already grazed red from the carpet burn.

He thinks about Baekhyun. He misses their late-night conversation. He hopes that his phone might ring and he’ll see Baekhyun’s name on the caller ID like he usually does, but that habit stopped a few weeks ago already when Sehun first came into Baekhyun’s life.

‘Fucking hell’, he hears himself mumble as he falls asleep, ‘What a fucking life’

* * *

Chanyeol wakes up with something heavy on him, making him feel sick when he opens his eyes and the sunlight pierces into eyes, causing his headache to stir in waves. He looks down, squinting his eyes to find Kyungsoo sleeping on him, his cheeks resting on his chest, lips parted and drool marking his clothes. Chanyeol almost gags at the sight, but instead, he laughs, seeing how soundless and peaceful his usual nagging best friend looks.

He feels like dying and his hangover is welcoming itself in waves of pain, but that didn’t stop him from chuckling as he combs Kyungsoo’s hair back, taking a good look at him. His cheeks are still red – Kyungsoo’s sensitive to alcohol – and his arms are hugging him tightly like how he used to when they were teenagers.

‘Kyungsoo’, his voice, hoarse and croaky, shakes the little one awake, groaning when he feels his stomach churn when he tries to get up, ‘Kyungsoo, wake the fuck up’, he shakes him again, which is a bad idea because he hears the latter groan and gag, ‘I swear to God, if you throw up on me, I’m throwing you out of the house’, Chanyeol warns him, lifting his hand up as if to surrender to Kyungsoo, not wanting to shake him anymore just in case it sets him off. He watches his best friend lifting his eyes open, his brown eyes turning gold when the sun hits it.

‘Fucking hell, what happened?’, Kyungsoo asks, not used to the state of drunkenness that he’s in, lifting his head and resting his chin on Chanyeol’s chest as he looks around, ‘Where are we?’

‘On the floor’, Chanyeol giggles, ‘And you’re kinda on top of me’

‘Oh shit, sorry’, Kyungsoo immediately stands up, which causes everything inside him to churn, and the next thing they both know, Kyungsoo throws up on their carpet.

Chanyeol, instead of helping, begins to laugh uncontrollably, clapping his hands and pointing at Kyungsoo, ‘You’re a fucking mess’, he says and Kyungsoo can only groan, wiping the drool and vomit off his lips, leaning his head on Chanyeol’s shoulders.

‘Remind me never to drink again’, he groans, feeling faint as he closes his eyes. He feels Chanyeol’s arms hugging him and he feels warm all of a sudden.

‘I’ll try’, Chanyeol says, ‘But then again, I like seeing you like this’, he comments, ‘It makes me wanna take care of you’

‘Then take care of me, you fucking idiot’, Kyungsoo slaps his arm, ‘Help me get to bed’

‘Alright sir’

* * *

Chanyeol spends time with Baekhyun. He likes to torture himself. He uses the excuse of wanting to hear Baekhyun speak – he’s persuaded himself to be infatuated with it – but then again, the topic of conversation always comes back to the same thing.

‘Sehun’

‘What about him?’

‘I don’t wanna feel like I’m overthinking it, but do you think we’re going a bit fast?’

Two months, three days and somewhat maybe fifteen hours. Chanyeol hasn’t been counting. But that’s approximately how long it’s been since Baekhyun introduced Sehun as his boyfriend. Two months and the two are sticking to each other like pieces of gum on the concrete. It makes Chanyeol want to avoid them, but like an idiot, he steps all over it until they’re on his shoes.

‘Well, you’re not moving in with each other. You’re just going out a lot, that’s common when you’re in your honeymoon stage’, Chanyeol comments, tapping his fingers, somehow feeling like something’s missing. He suddenly wishes for a fag.

‘I mean, he wants me to meet his parents… Isn’t it too soon?’

‘You should be lucky you’re being introduced to someone’s parents’, Chanyeol laughs, but his eyes are hollow.

‘What do you mean?’

‘I mean, if you were going out with me, you never have to worry about meeting my parents’

‘Why?’

‘Just cause’, Chanyeol shrugs his shoulders, not finishing his story. But Baekhyun’s story is already intertwined with someone else.

‘But do you think I should make an effort when I meet them for dinner?’

‘Oh, you mean, you’re meeting them tonight?’, Chanyeol asks, to which Baekhyun nods, making him laugh, ‘No wonder you’re fucking nervous. He’s trapping you already’, he jokes, making light to the situation although he feels like his own skin his burning, he sees Baekhyun smile and he finds comfort at the fact that it’s him who made that smile.

‘Don’t tease me’, Baekhyun playfully punches his arm, laughing with him, ‘I wanna do this right’

‘Then don’t worry about a thing’, Chanyeol comments, ‘You have a talent for making people fall in love with you’

* * *

‘You motherfucker, stop looking at his pictures and come help me with dinner’, Kyungsoo shouts at him as soon as he sees Chanyeol looking down at his phone, seeing the picture he took of Baekhyun one night when he attempted to learn how to play the guitar.

‘Stop ruining my tragic love story moment’, Chanyeol rolls his eyes, turning off his phone and leaving the picture blank out of his mind as he joins Kyungsoo in the kitchen, smelling the comfort of his best friend’s homemade cooking, The both of them can cook, one as a hobby but other as a way to live. Chanyeol had to be independent at a young age and found the talent in making edible food for himself, whereas Kyungsoo taught himself the art of cooking. That’s the difference between the two of them, life handed one art, whilst the other got nothing but tragedy.

But sometimes, art becomes a tragedy.

‘So, how’s your unrequited love going?’, Kyungsoo asks, looking at his phone and noticing that they’re having dinner so late at night once again.

1.02 am.

‘Fucking horrendous’, Chanyeol groans, ‘But the silver lining is, this might become a good fucking album for me’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I’m thinking about making an album… For myself’

‘Woah’, Kyungsoo catches himself smiling, catching a slither of something old bubbling within Chanyeol, ‘You wanna be a singer again?’

‘Did I ever stop?’, Chanyeol comments to which Kyungsoo didn’t reply. He knows after leaving the institute, Chanyeol ended up forgetting his own ambitions of standing under his own spotlight, instead of withering to the background, making his music in the shadows and allowing other voices to sing his words which he worked hard to make. He ended up scrutinising his own voice to the point where he can’t speak let alone sing sometimes. But to see the small ambition coming back to life brought a smile to his face.

‘You’re ready to sing again?’

‘I realised how fucking amazing my voice is once I stopped smoking’, Chanyeol replies, his narcissistic smile coming back, ‘And maybe the world is ready for amazingness’

‘Fuck off’, Kyungsoo laughs, going back to his cooking.

* * *

Chanyeol finds himself in the comfort of Baekhyun’s apartment for the first time since their friendship began. He realises that their times spent mostly in the shadows of the night, lit under the lamppost of the old park by the edge of the road. He didn’t know why the sudden invite happened, but it changes things differently.

‘Would you like some tea?’

‘I’m more of a coffee person’, Chanyeol says, to which Baekhyun nods his head, making him coffee and along with his tea. The subtle tender flavour of green tea made no home with Chanyeol who only chose the strongest flavour to indulge in, so he watches Baekhyun add sugar to his tea, taking his coffee black.

Sehun’s nowhere in sight. Although, it’ll be weird for Baekhyun to invite him over with his boyfriend in his apartment, then again, Chanyeol’s mind begins to be fixated in the possibilities that this invite might be more than a friendly chat.

It’s 1.02 am. No one asks to meet up at this time a night. Not unless you’re seeking for desperate love or…

‘How are you?’, Chanyeol asks, to which his question is followed by a sad expression from Baekhyun.

Heartbreak.

‘I don’t think I meant what I said’, Baekhyun sighs, looking down at his smooth hands, playing with his nails, ‘But Sehun obviously got offended and stormed out in the middle of the argument’

‘If he doesn’t have the patience to listen to you, then he’s not worth it’, Chanyeol shrugs, not feeling righteous to fix a relationship he didn’t want to happen in the first place. It’s been more than three months that Baekhyun had started a relationship with his co-worker, but since then, the light in his eyes has shifted from him to Sehun, something he can never get back, unless…

‘To be honest, maybe I was out of line’, Baekhyun sighs, twirling his teaspoon around, watching the light brown drink swirl along with it, ‘I just don’t wanna mess this up’

‘It’s been three months Baekhyun’, Chanyeol says, ‘Having arguments is a normal thing in a relationship’

‘How do you handle arguments in your relationship?’, Baekhyun asks, in need for some comfort that someone else other than him is going through this.

Chanyeol, on the other hand, despite his pathetic advice, doesn’t follow anything conventional to what a normal relationship is. He’s had one-night stands before, somewhat friends with benefits, being in the relationship for the sex most of the time. He supposes he’s fallen in love in between fucking and drinking, but his type of love is often forgettable that once he breaks ties with them, he would usually forget about the person entirely. Which is why for the life of him, he doesn’t know why Baekhyun’s been occupying his thoughts even after months of trying to get far away from him.

He looks up and he realises that Baekhyun is still waiting for a response. But he couldn’t give any. He’s never been with anyone longer than a month, maybe two if he’s lazy to break it off.

‘Well, I’m more of the rogue person that tends to run away’, Chanyeol admits, drinking his coffee, ‘But I know someone who always pulls me back to reality. He makes me sane… But also, he makes me wanna stay sane for him sometimes. Call it guilt-tripping, but every time I think about him, I just wanna give him everything he gave to me’

‘Hmm’, Baekhyun listens on, now his turn to watch Chanyeol slowly sink into another world as he thinks about his past.

‘I mean, I hate that he’s always nagging at me, but at the end of the day, I need that type of shit in my life. So, I guess finding a person that’s opposite you are good. Because you need to see the world from a different perspective, otherwise you’ll get lost on your own. But that doesn’t mean you don’t fight, because shit we fight a ton’, Chanyeol chuckles, ‘But it’s all about weighing the pros and cons. I live my life a lot less messy when I’m with him, so a few fights would be worth it to keep him’

‘I guess so’, Baekhyun smiles, ‘Plus, fights are normal, right?’

‘Yeah, right’

* * *

Fights are not always normal. Chanyeol finds that out when he sees Baekhyun walking in The Common just as he’s about to put away his guitar. He finishes his gig and calls Kyungsoo, begging for him to come and spend a few more hours at the pub for a drink before going back home.

But instead, he finds a crying Baekhyun, messy and red-cheeked.

‘Hey, hey’, Chanyeol calls out to him, his hands reaching out to hold the latter’s, ‘Are you okay?’, he asks, allowing Baekhyun to lean his head on his shoulders, arms wrapped tightly around him, begging him to comfort him. And he did.

No conversation is made between them. Chanyeol knows out of everyone that talking is the last thing anyone wants to do at times like these. He stays by Baekhyun’s side, drinking his lager as he watches Baekhyun gulp down a whole pint of beer for the first time. It’s shocking, to say the least. The ever so calm and controlled Baekhyun is slowly losing grip and he’s not sure if he welcomes it.

‘That’s enough’, Chanyeol says to him, bringing his hand down to stop him from ordering another drink, ‘You’re going to end up killing yourself’

‘I don’t care’, Baekhyun murmurs, his voice slur, eyelids drooping, ‘He can fall off a cliff for all I care’, this makes Chanyeol laugh, finding it a little adorable of Baekhyun’s childish remarks over his boyfriend who he clearly doesn’t like at the moment.

‘Talk to him about it. I’m sure you’ll end up patching things up soon’

* * *

‘You told him to go back to the jerk?’, Kyungsoo asks, brushing his teeth as he walks in Chanyeol’s room, his pyjamas bigger than he is, sleeves falling way past his hands, ‘You could’ve snagged him there and then, hit him up when he’s insecure and vulnerable’

‘I’m not going to do that’, Chanyeol chuckles, strumming his guitar as he looks at Kyungsoo, ‘I’m not a dickhead’

‘Yes, you are’, Kyungsoo mumbles whilst brushing his teeth, ‘You stole someone’s girlfriend’

‘I never stole her. She wanted to fuck me, so I let her’

‘See’, Kyungsoo points at him with a glare, ‘A dickhead’

‘Yeah, well, I’m only a dickhead to those I don’t give a fuck about’, he shrugs, humming a soft tune, letting Kyungsoo walk back to the bathroom, his best friend not seeing the point in arguing.

‘Then why’re you always a dick to me?’, Kyungsoo asks, coming back after he finishes getting ready for bed, going to Chanyeol’s instead of his own room as he sits at the edge of the bed.

‘You’re special’, Chanyeol responds, smiling goofily at him as he notices the shirt Kyungsoo’s wearing, ‘That’s mine by the way’

‘What’s mine is yours’, he simply replies, lying beside Chanyeol as he looks up at the ceiling, listening to the strumming of his best friend’s guitar. The latter didn’t say anything. The pair dozed off into their own world once again, with Chanyeol’s voice lulling Kyungsoo to sleep until the two of them find themselves sleeping in the same bed, their arms slowly slithering around each other.

* * *

‘Fuck’

Chanyeol didn’t know how he came to be in this situation, with Baekhyun’s lips wrapped around his hard cock inside a shitty public toilet in a club. It’s messed up, to say the least. One minute he’s working in the studio, the next minute he gets a call from Baekhyun, crying and begging for him to come.

So, he did.

He comes. In more ways than one.

Baekhyun’s to blame. He has no intentions of fucking him when he’s pissed drunk, but the moment Baekhyun sees him, it’s like all his self-control is thrown out of the window and he pins Chanyeol against the wall, their lips punching each other, harsh movements and desperate gasps of breath as Baekhyun yearns for pleasure. He’s been deprived of it, Chanyeol can tell from the way his hands tug on his belt, haggard and rough, but something Chanyeol’s used to.

His eyes are blurred, from the lights and the pleasure of Baekhyun’s cold hand palming his cock, sliding inside his jeans and wanking him off.

‘Fuck’, he sighs, head held high as he looks at the brown stains of the ceiling, the walls vibrating from the music as he feels something else touch the tip of his cock – something wet. He looks down and fair enough, the images in his mind could be hazed over like a dream, but the feeling seems too real.

Baekhyun’s lips are soft, smooth as fuck and shit can he twirl his tongue. Chanyeol gives in without a fight, his hand resting on the back of Baekhyun’s neck as he urges the latter to take more of him in, holding him in place as he moves to the rhythm with Baekhyun.

‘Shit’, all that comes out of his mouth are trails of curses, hinged with pleasure as he closes his eyes, feeling everything boil down below him until a streak of white escapes the tip.

He feels the cold and realises that Baekhyun leaning on the wall, crying.

‘Fuck’, he whispers, this time not out of pleasure, ‘You okay?’

Baekhyun didn’t answer. But Chanyeol didn’t need him to.

* * *

‘You fucked him?’, Kyungsoo asks as soon as Chanyeol finishes explaining why he’s late for dinner, the smell of weed and alcohol still stuck on his shirt.

‘No’, Chanyeol says, an awkward silence between them, ‘But I let him give me a blowjob’

‘You fucking psycho’, Kyungsoo sighs, disappointed, but then again, he did urge him a couple of days ago to grab hold of Baekhyun whilst he’s heartbroken over his boyfriend, but he didn’t think Chanyeol would give in.

‘Look, it felt great, I haven’t had a blowjob in ages’, Chanyeol admits, being thrown a pen by his best friend who didn’t need to know, ‘But…’, he adds in, feeling his chest tighten and his pulse fasten at the thought.

‘But what?’

‘I felt sorry for him’, Chanyeol admits, ‘I mean, I thought my heart would explode if he ever thought of me as something more than a friend, but… I mean, shit… I felt more pity than in love’

‘Woah’, Kyungsoo stops his anger, looking at Chanyeol’s concerned expression, ‘So… You’re saying you don’t have feelings for Baekhyun?’

‘I still think he’s fucking beautiful’, he confesses, ‘But… I don’t know. Maybe he needs someone a little bit better than me or Sehun. He looks like he’s slowly losing himself’

Chanyeol is reminded of himself. Baekhyun’s problem is at a much lower scale than his, for sure, but he saw the expression plastered on Baekhyun’s face that night. It seems familiar as if he was looking in front of a mirror. The beautiful face turns cold and broken, and soon enough the soul will follow.

* * *

He finds himself spending more time with his best friend now that the height of his stress is getting to him, an overwhelming expectation of work when he finally manages to persuade a studio to help him record his own album. It’s tough to say the least, especially when he finds his inspiration slowly fading.

It isn’t anyone’s fault that he’s slowly losing interest in Baekhyun. His intense relationship with Sehun has made them lose the closeness they used to share. But then again, he knows how to bullshit a love song.

‘Who’s this about?’, Kyungsoo asks as he flips the pages of his notebook, reading the messy scribbles.

‘I have no idea’. Chanyeol mumbles when he quickly turns to glance at the pages, reading the lyrics and not finding a specific muse which brought it out from him.

_Well, we’re here,_

_We’re at The Common again,_

_Smoked six of the ten fags that I only bought an hour ago,_

_Said, ‘Well I, I like the look of your shoes’_

_I like the way that your face looks when I’m arguing with you’_

Kyungsoo would’ve thought that it was about Baekhyun, but then he remembers that Chanyeol quit smoking a few months ago.

‘Are you fucking anyone?’, he asks, noticing that, despite his ‘so-called’ broken heart, Chanyeol seems to be doing fairly well. No drunken nights, nor did he feel the need to get high all the time – which he used to do whenever he broke up anyone.

‘Nope’, Chanyeol replies with a popping ‘p’, ‘I’m genuinely fine’

‘Hhm’, is all Kyungsoo can say to that as he continues to listen to Chanyeol’s demos, hearing a reoccurring theme in his songs that he can’t quite put a finger on.

* * *

‘Do you think the universe fights for souls to be together?’

‘What the fuck are you talking about?’

‘I just think some things are too strange and strong to be coincidences’

Chanyeol looks at Baekhyun as they spend time at The Common, finding a slow balance of meetups once in a while, but the nightly meetups no longer happen. Chanyeol doesn’t mind. He watches as Baekhyun takes a gulp of his pint, knowing how to drink now.

‘Do you think the universe wants me and Sehun to be together’

‘Highly doubt the universe gives a shit’, Chanyeol chuckles, snacking on his chips as he watches Baekhyun, a smile forming on the latter’s face. The fights between him and Sehun has subsided, sometimes Baekhyun would text him about an argument here and there, but it seems like the kid grew out of his immature behaviour and actually started treating Baekhyun decently – and by the time someone’s been brought down too many times, decency becomes an overexaggerated form of love.

‘I think the world does’, Baekhyun smiles, his naivety slowly coming back, ‘Some things just can’t be explained’

‘Sehun works in the same place as you and the both of you happened to be attracted to each other’, Chanyeol comments, ‘It’s not the universe aligning just for the two of you’

‘But what are the chances though’, Baekhyun whispers, clearly tipsy as he steals a chip from Chanyeol’s plate, ‘To have someone out of the billions of people living here, colliding in your world’

‘Don’t think too much of it’, Chanyeol whispers, ‘Because as easy as it is for someone to walk into your life, it’s just as easy to see them walk straight back out’

‘Not this one’, Baekhyun points at him, hopeful, ‘This one’s going to stay with me for a long time’

* * *

Kyungsoo walks into the living room to find Chanyeol standing up on his chair with his laptop in his hands, eyes scavenging around the room.

‘What the fuck are you doing?’, he asks as he sets his bag down after a long’s day of work. Chanyeol looks up and he sits down on the chair, but with his legs still up, trying to look nonchalant.

‘I’m just chilling’

‘No, you’re not’, Kyungsoo points out, chuckling when he watches Chanyeol attempt to look cool, only to stumble and hit his knees on the chair, making him groan. He can only assume the dickhead saw a rat or a cockroach roaming around for him to act like such a pussy, ‘Where is it?’, he simply asks, walking towards Chanyeol as he points to the corner of the room, his puppy-eyes looking terrified.

‘Behind the drawer’, Chanyeol gives up, his voice rising in a whine as he tells Kyungsoo to catch the mouse before it runs into the kitchen. Kyungsoo couldn’t help but laugh as he grabs a broom, edging the drawer to the side as he attempts to chase the little creature out of the house whilst having to listen to Chanyeol’s whines and screams, shouting for him to hurry up as he runs around.

‘Fuck! It’s there!’, Chanyeol shouts, jumping on the sofa as he sees a little thing scutter around the living room, running in circles as his best friend attempts to chase it out to the hallway, ‘Kyungsoo! Get it! Get it!’

‘I’ve got it! I’ve got it!’, Kyungsoo shouts back at him, trying to get him to shut up, ‘You’re scaring it! Shut up!’, he fights with him, trying to open the living room door for the mouse to run into, but Chanyeol’s screaming is distracting him and before he knows it, he’s hit the sofa, causing Chanyeol to stumble and land on him.

‘Ah! The rat is still here!’, Chanyeol screams, hugging onto Kyungsoo, trying to stand up and run back into the sofa, dragging Kyungsoo with him. Chanyeol’s stupidity caused the pair of them to lay on top of each other on the sofa, Kyungsoo laughing at him as he gives up trying to get rid of the stupid mouse, his cheeks turning red from laughter. Chanyeol’s always been scared of bugs and rats – yeah, someone as large as him can be shit scared of a bee – but it still makes him laugh how paralysed Chanyeol gets when something like a mouse is close to him.

Chanyeol, on the other hand, didn’t find it funny. He looks down and notices how close he is to Kyungsoo, but it didn’t bother him. He’s more bothered at the fact that he’s been laughing at him for ages now, seeing his teeth and gums as well as his eyes turning into crescent shapes, cheeks lifting.

‘Fuck, you’re pretty when you’re laughing’, Chanyeol comments.

Kyungsoo notices how close they are. He stops laughing and pushes Chanyeol away from him, sitting up on the sofa. He awkwardly coughs and he gives himself a second to let his heart stop beating so fucking fast. He’s scared Chanyeol will hear it.

Chanyeol didn’t notice his comment, he just continues to stare at Kyungsoo, observing little specks of freckles painted on his cheeks. He’s spent most of his life with Kyungsoo, yet he sometimes forgets how pretty Kyungsoo looks.

* * *

‘Do you think you can be in love with your best friend?’

‘My best friend hates me’, Chanyeol chuckles, strumming his guitar as he sits on the end of The Common, looking at Baekhyun who just came back from work. He’s been hanging out with Chanyeol since his boyfriend went back home to visit his parents for the week. It feels kinda fucked up that Chanyeol’s being used as a filler in someone’s life, but he thought maybe it’s just karma giving him the good ol’ fuck you for using other people as fillers in his life too. For once, he doesn’t mind, since he quite enjoyed Baekhyun’s company.

Platonically, he realises. He laughs at himself as he once again looks at Baekhyun, his beauty unchanging, but it doesn’t make his heartbeat and his dick hard anymore. Fuck the world for brainwashing him into thinking he was madly in love with him. He even quit smoking for him. Maybe he should buy a fag.

‘Kyungsoo? He’s really nice. He has patience for you’, Baekhyun comments, remembering his rare yet meaningful interactions with him. ‘He cares about you’

‘I know’, Chanyeol smiles, almost prideful that he has someone to show off.

‘Do you think you love him?’

‘I know I love him’

‘Then why don’t you confess?’

‘Woah’, Chanyeol almost chokes when he realises what type of love Baekhyun’s talking about, ‘I love him, but not like that’

‘Why not?’, he asks, drinking his pint as he waits for Chanyeol to answer, ‘He’s the only thing constant in your life, right?’

‘Yeah, but that doesn’t mean I have to be in love with him’, he replies, strumming his guitar in a different tune, humming a familiar melody he’s been working on for months now.

‘Maybe your soulmate could be much closer than you think’

‘I like to think you’re joking if you still believe in soulmates’

‘Why not? It’s not gonna harm anyone if you believe it’

‘Yes, it will’, Chanyeol strums his guitar, ‘You’re harming yourself by raising your expectation that someone out there is actually made for you’, he points out, ‘You’re also gonna fuck that person’s life by manipulating them to stay with you because you think the universe fucking says so’

‘You know, for a songwriter, you’re a cynic’, Baekhyun sighs, finding Chanyeol’s pretentious talks enough, ‘I’ve read your lyrics, you’re fucking in love with someone’

‘Was’, Chanyeol points out, but Baekhyun shakes his head.

‘No, you’re still in love’

He stops strumming his guitar. He looks up and stares at Baekhyun, waiting… Waiting… Waiting… But his heart doesn’t beat fast as it used it.

‘No, I’m pretty sure I’m no longer in love’

* * *

Kyungsoo walks out of his workplace, the cold winds of London blowing his hair away. He hugs his bag as he walks home, feeling the drizzle of rain and cursing at himself for not bringing an umbrella. He feels the rain getting fatter, landing on his clothes, creating an odd smell when it lands on concrete.

‘Fucking hell’, he whispers, debating whether to run home or just fuck it and walk in the rain.

‘Tut, tut, tut, little one’, he hears a voice behind him and suddenly he feels the rain stop. He looks behind and sees Chanyeol standing behind him with an umbrella. He holds it above them as he walks beside Kyungsoo.

‘What’re you doing here?’, Kyungsoo asks, trying hard not to smile, but Chanyeol never visits him at work, let alone pick him up.

‘I was just passing by and it started raining. I thought I’d check if you brought an umbrella’, he replies, smiling at him, ‘I’ve been able to think straight now that I haven’t smoked weed in weeks’

‘You haven’t gotten high?’

‘Not yet’, Chanyeol laughs, ‘If my producer keeps fucking up my demos, maybe I might start again’

‘Huh’, Kyungsoo ends up smiling anyway, ‘Are are you in love with someone?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘You stop fucking around when you’re trying to impress someone’

‘Maybe I wanna impress you once in a while’

‘Huh?’, Kyungsoo almost trips. Chanyeol’s good with words. That dick. He got Kyungsoo hoping again, even though he stopped so many years ago.

‘Come on, let’s go to the pub! I’m hungry and there’s no food at home!’, Chanyeol grabs his wrist, making a sprint in the rain with the umbrella barely holding on above them. Kyungsoo couldn’t help but squeeze Chanyeol’s hands tighter around him, begging for this moment to last a second longer.

* * *

‘Cunt’, Chanyeol whines as he looks down at his fingers, seeing his skin ripped at the tip of them. He looks down to see blood all over his notebook and he realises he’s played for too long.

‘Woah, your hands look ugly’, Kyungsoo looks down, walking into his room with his cup of tea, ‘Want me to bandage it?’

‘Nah’, Chanyeol shakes his head, ‘I’ll just take a break’

‘It might get infected’, Kyungsoo comments, ‘Come here’, he orders his best friend, forcing Chanyeol to sit back down on his bed. He opens the last drawer and takes out a small first aid box he keeps hidden inside Chanyeol’s room in case something happens.

Chanyeol watches Kyungsoo take care of him, his smooth hands fixing his rough ones.

‘You should’ve married him, man’, Chanyeol points out, revisiting an old conversation Kyungsoo hates.

‘Stop it’

‘I mean it. You’re like the perfect human being and so was he. The both of you were made for each other’, Chanyeol comments, even though he doesn’t believe in soulmates or bullshit fate.

‘You’re not made for another human being, that statement is bullshit’

‘Yeah, I know, but still… You and Jo-’

‘I didn’t wanna marry him because I didn’t love him’, Kyungsoo stops him before Chanyeol presses on, ‘I told you this’

‘Yeah, I know… But I don’t know why you didn’t love him. You went out for years and he was nice to you’

‘Maybe it’s because my mind was preoccupied with something else’

‘And what would that be?’

‘Trying to get over someone’, Kyungsoo admits, sighing as he continues to bandage Chanyeol’s hands, ‘I can’t marry someone I don’t love. It’s not fair on them. I’ve already wasted their time being in a relationship when I was in love with someone else’

‘Woah. What? You were in love with someone else?’, Chanyeol asks, looking at Kyungsoo, ‘Who?’

‘You wouldn’t know them’

* * *

‘You’re in love with Chanyeol, aren’t you?’

Kyungsoo is taken back at the sudden statement coming from Baekhyun when he only just arrived at the pub a few minutes ago after being told that Chanyeol has a massive announcement. The pub was their usual meeting place, so to find out that Chanyeol has frequented with Baekhyun on multiple occasions didn’t particularly sit well with him, but he learns how to get used to it with most things that Chanyeol brings in to further complicate their lives.

He’s only met Baekhyun a handle of times, and most of them are with Chanyeol, so a personal question like this is almost offending to him.

‘He’s my best friend’, he simply states, which is the truth, but Baekhyun gives him a look that he didn’t have a right to give, which further complicates Kyungsoo’s feelings towards him. He likes Baekhyun – used to – he’s the reason why their house no longer stunk of cigarettes, and he was the only person to persuade Chanyeol to quit something he’s been doing since they were teenagers – even he couldn’t do it himself – so he thought Chanyeol found himself a keeper.

‘You should probably tell him your feelings’, Baekhyun ignores his statement, pursuing the hunch he’s had since he’s met Kyungsoo, ‘He’s been feeling some type of way lately’

‘Huh?’

‘Well, I don’t know if he acts like this usually, but he’s… I don’t know, it feels like he has feelings for someone but he doesn’t know who’, Baekhyun chuckles at the last bit, ‘It’s like he says all of this love bullshit but he doesn’t actually know who he’s directing it to’

‘And what’s that got to do with me?’, Kyungsoo asks, finding no patience with Baekhyun’s bullshit – is this what Chanyeol’s been complaining about lately? Baekhyun’s lack of initiative to stop talking? – because if it is, then he can understand why it’s annoying him.

‘He says you’re the only thing consistent in his life’, Baekhyun admits to Kyungsoo, opening a private conversation he’s had with Chanyeol, ‘You’re the only person he values’

Kyungsoo couldn’t say a word to Baekhyun. He feels angry because know this stranger has opened a box he’s promised never to open again. Old feelings begin to drum in his chest, wanting Baekhyun to continue talking.

_Please, don’t give me hope._

‘I mean, whoever it is, he likes someone’, Baekhyun shrugs, ‘I just thought it was you since you’re the only person who hangs out with him’

‘He hangs out with you too’, Kyungsoo points out, not knowing whether to listen to this person’s advice when he himself is oblivious to Chanyeol’s feelings for him.

‘Yeah, but he’s not in love with you’

Kyungsoo can only snort and decides to ignore everything Baekhyun said to him.

* * *

Chanyeol’s sister visits him for the first time in three years.

‘Hey’, she smiles at him the moment Chanyeol swings the door open, his hair still messy and eyes drowsy due to the early morning. His sister looks well kept, beautiful and as happy as she left.

‘Woah, what the hell are you doing here?’, he asks the moment the shock fades and all that’s left are two siblings facing each other after years of being apart.

‘I see you got my gifts’, she chuckles, pointing at the keyring swinging by with his keys and Chanyeol nods, faking a smile as he lets her in, offering a cup of tea.

‘How’s Kyungsoo by the way?’, she asks, settling down in the kitchen and looking around the messy yet organised room. She finds out from family friends that Chanyeol followed Kyungsoo who moved out for University, begging him to share a house with him and live off-campus to which Kyungsoo says yes to almost immediately. They haven’t been back since.

‘He’s doing well’, Chanyeol comments, sitting down in front of her as he places a warm cup of tea in front, ‘He’s working at a publishing company he interned during Uni’

‘That’s good’, Yoora smiles, drinking the tea, an awkward silence flowing between them. Writing letters to each other is good for them since they didn’t have to face each other and they can bullshit their feelings in words, but now that they’re staring at each other, it seems things happened too fast for them to help each other and now it’s too late.

‘I visited mum’, Yoora tells him to which Chanyeol tenses. He’s forgotten about her, ‘I had to clean her tombstone and bring fresh flowers since the vase was empty…’, they both find out that Chanyeol hasn’t visited since the funeral. Yoora didn’t expect her little brother to come back to their hometown just to visit their mother, but she feels sad at the thought that no one’s bothered to at least clean her grave once in a while – not even their dad who also jump shipped and fucked off, leaving her and her brother to fend for themselves.

‘I’ll visit one day’, Chanyeol says to her, but there’s no hope in that promise and once again, she didn’t expect anything. Yoora knows she’s to blame since she’s the last older figure that Chanyeol has to look up to, so to fuck off and study abroad when he needed someone the most is something she feels guilty for every day – but she also needed to come to terms with her grief in her own way – and she knew that if she stayed in their hometown, she would slowly lose her mind.

‘Is everything else okay?’, she asks, nervous to ask Chanyeol about the dark past he’s had since everyone left him. She hears him chuckle and refuse to answer her question, drinking his coffee and lifting his hood up, ‘I’m sorry for asking’

‘Don’t’, Chanyeol shakes his head, ‘I’ve said all I needed to say in my letter’

‘Yeah, I read’, she nods, giving him a smile – the only thing she can offer him – as she finishes her drink, ‘I’m glad you’re doing much better now’

‘It’s thanks to Kyungsoo’, Chanyeol adds on, not wanting to forget about him since he was the only person who visited him in the institute.

‘I’m sorry Chanyeol’, Yoora finally says it, with her own voice, not in a form of a letter, ‘I just… I needed to get away’

‘So, did I’, Chanyeol comments, ‘But you left me, just like dad’

‘Dad was a prick’

‘So were you’, the statement stabs her heart but she knows she deserves it, especially knowing what her brother was going through back home but refusing to go back. She wanted to keep her sanity but she had to sacrifice her brother’s instead, and she’s been guilty of it ever since.

‘I’m sorry’, she says again, ‘But this time, I wanna ask you if I can come back in your life’

‘I think writing to each other is fine’

‘I want to make it up to my little brother’, Yoora confesses, reaching her hand out to grab her brother’s and noticing how rough they are, scarred from his fingertips all the way to his wrists.

‘You’ve sent me a few gifts here and there and write to me to let me know you’re still alive’, Chanyeol says again, his voice plain, ‘That’s more than enough for me’

‘You need more than one support system’, his sister tells him off, ‘You can’t keep relying on Kyungsoo for everything’

‘Yes, I can, and I have for the past three years’, Chanyeol pulls his hand away from her, feeling like her words have burnt him. He didn’t like anyone interfering with his and Kyungsoo’s relationship, not when it’s been good for the past three years and he’s slowly making up all the fuck-ups he’s given the latter. He didn’t want anyone to burst their bubble.

‘I met up with his parents recently. He hasn’t visited them since he left’

‘They visit London all the time to meet up with him’, Chanyeol snorts, ‘I don’t know why they keep blaming me for shit I have nothing to do with’

‘I also heard he broke up with someone who he’s supposed to be engaged with’

‘Jongin proposed to him and he said no’

‘Why?’

‘He said he was in love with someone else’, Chanyeol repeats Kyungsoo’s late-night confession to her, not really knowing the details himself but getting irritated that the blame is being pushed on him when he himself also doesn’t know why Kyungsoo made such a rash decision.

‘And who do you think that someone else is?’, his sister’s question reverberated around the kitchen and Chanyeol is left stun when she gives him the look. Despite their estranged relationship, he still knows his sister well enough to place that type of facial expression.

‘Fuck off’, he simply says to her, ‘You don’t know jackshit about our relationship’

‘Are you serious?’, now it’s her turn to be offended, ‘I helped you sneak out to meet with him when you were grounded. I know more about the two of you than mum and dad cos you turned to me for advice whenever you fought’

‘And what does that have to do with anything?’, Chanyeol asks her, ‘We were teenagers then, but now we’re adults with a perfect system’

‘A perfect system?’, Yoora snorts, looking around the kitchen to find one side messy and one side clean, knowing which side belongs to his brother, ‘Are you still making Kyungsoo clean after you whenever you fuck up or do something stupid?’

‘I help him out too!’, Chanyeol defends himself, ‘And I don’t do stupid shit that often anymore. I’m not a child’

‘I fucking hope not, because Kyungsoo deserves better’, Yoora whispers underneath her breath, but the kitchen is small that Chanyeol hears it. He glares at her sister who’s been AWOL since their mother’s death and father’s disappearance, yet she thinks she has every right to comment on his life ever since then.

‘I’ve been taking care of Kyungsoo. You’re not around so you wouldn’t know but I-’

‘Do you remember the day you got detention and you were forced to mow the school field after school?’, Yoora mentions the old memory which seems unrelated to Chanyeol but the mention of it made him remember the gruelling wet cold rain as he drags a heavy mower along the school field with nothing but his thin jacket to protect him from the rain. He was sixteen at the time.

‘Okay, why are you suddenly bringing it up?’

‘Kyungsoo came to our house that day. He said he’ll wait for you to come back so you can watch some movie you’ve been talking about’, Yoora remembers it like it was yesterday. She was still a college student and studying for her A-Levels when she opens the door and finds her brother’s best friend waiting on the other side. She adored Kyungsoo, even back then, he was just as chaotic and loud as Chanyeol but he was a little bit more sensible than her brother. She remembers how nervous he looked that day, his hair wet and he was panting as if he ran a mile to get there. She remembers offering him a drink and they both sat in the kitchen whilst he slowly confessed his feelings.

‘Kyungsoo’s been in love with you. Since forever. Since a long time ago’, she finally says, ‘He told me everything that day because he didn’t like seeing you hanging out with Monica or whatever her name is’, she spills the small secret she’s promised never to reveal to a crying Kyungsoo, but ever since her visit back to her hometown, she realises maybe Chanyeol should stop leeching onto someone who's been seeking his love but she knows he can’t give it back. As much as she wants the best for Chanyeol, she also wants the best for Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo’s never gonna get over him if they live together and spend their hours at each other’s presence.

‘What the fuck are you talking about?’, Chanyeol snorts, feeling his chest tighten and his heart pound when his sister stops talking. The silence is deafening, making his mind spin in circles as flashes of his memory’s seeps in, moments they spent when they were young, all the way till he finds himself waking up in the institute with Kyungsoo waiting by his side. The kaleidoscope of memories flash through his mind and he slowly realises that Kyungsoo is in every single one of them, ‘He’s not in love with me’, he says but even he didn’t believe it.

The kaleidoscope slowly turns into jigsaw puzzles which starts to fit perfectly with each other, presenting Chanyeol to a bigger picture he didn’t know he possessed for so long. He sees Kyungsoo, this time only him.

‘If you’re not going to give him your all, then move out and move in with me. His parents are worried he’s wasting his time taking care of you when he could be out there living his life’

Chanyeol leans his back on the chair, pulling his hoodie down and abandoning his half-finished coffee, shellshock at the sudden revelation, ‘But is he still in love with me?’, he asks, looking at his sister with wide eyes.

‘I don’t know’, she shrugs, ‘But since he’s still with you after all this time, I can only assume so’

* * *

Baekhyun’s voice goes in one ear and out the other. Chanyeol forces himself to focus as the man talks about his trip with Sehun for the weekend, excited for some odd reason even after he cried over their fight last week. Chanyeol can tell their relationship is slowly turning toxic, but he didn’t care to give Baekhyun a head’s up. He has other things to worry about.

‘Hey, are you okay? You seem to be a bit distracted’, Baekhyun clicks his hand at Chanyeol’s face, forcing him back to reality as they sit in The Common. Chanyeol didn’t bring his guitar with him, he just wanted to eat with Baekhyun and fuck off to meet with Kyungsoo after work.

‘Yeah, I just have a lot on my mind lately’, Chanyeol fakes a smile as he nods for him to continue.

‘Do you think Sehun’s changed?’, Baekhyun suddenly asks him and Chanyeol finds himself sighing at the question. He’s a dick who doesn’t help people even when he sees that they need his help, and if it was any other person, he’d let them go down the dark path so they can learn their lesson. But Baekhyun is someone he still cares for, even if the love for him is now gone, he didn’t want to see him cry continuously.

‘Can I be honest?’

‘Yeah, please’

‘Sehun’s a dick’, Chanyeol says to him, not holding back even if he knows it’ll upset Baekhyun, ‘He reminds me of me and I’m an absolute dickhead, the true definition of scumbag’

‘What does that mean?’

‘It means Sehun only takes. He fills his empty soul with the love you give but refuses to give it back because he’s scared that one day, he’ll fill you up and you won’t return it, or if he’s worse and like me, then he refuses to give love because he thinks other people aren’t worthy of it anymore’, Chanyeol scoffs, not at Sehun, but more to himself, ‘They shout and blame the world for ruining their life but they go ahead and ruin other people’s. Bunch of hypocrites’

‘Sehun’s not set out to ruin my life’

‘No one’s set out to ruin anyone’s life’, Chanyeol rolls his eyes, looking straight at Baekhyun and finding no beauty in his naivety, ‘They suck the love out of you and refuse to give it in return because they think the world doesn’t deserve it, but they think they deserve everyone else’s love and patience. Their mind is broken; they don’t know how to reciprocate. A relationship is all about 'give and take' but if you refuse to give even a little of yourself, then you’re a parasite’

Baekhyun is quiet. He feels attacked but he doesn’t know why. They look at each other in silence once more before Chanyeol finishes his pint and stands up.

‘Break it off with the dickhead. Before there’s nothing left of yourself because he’s sucked it all off’, is the last advice Chanyeol gives him as he walks out of the pub, striding his steps the other way towards Kyungsoo’s workplace, his hands shaking and legs quivering as he stands and waits, looking down at the watch on his wrist and hoping Kyungsoo will come out soon.

* * *

Kyungsoo hates the weather. It’s always fucking raining and he keeps on forgetting his umbrella. As soon as he walks out of the building, he’s expected to feel the rain hit him, but instead, he sees a shadow beside him.

‘You forgot your umbrella again’, he turns to see Chanyeol smiling at him, offering his umbrella. He breaks out into a smile. It’s unusual that Chanyeol would sometimes visit him after work, especially when it’s raining, handing him an umbrella and even willing to get rained on just to cover him up. It became something he expects from Chanyeol, seeing him opening the umbrella and standing beside them, the two falling in a comfortable silence as they walk back home.

‘So, Jongin’s back in town’, Chanyeol comments and he instantly freezes, looking up at his best friend.

‘How do you know?’

‘You forgot, he’s also a songwriter’, Chanyeol comments, ‘He’s been having some sessions with the same artists I’ve been working with’, Kyungsoo didn’t know what to do with the information. He thought once he parted out of Jongin’s life, the two of them can move on without having to meet again, but as always, the world is a bitch to him.

So, here he is, sitting across from his ex-boyfriend in The Common, with Chanyeol performing at the front of the stage, he hears his voice singing.

Jongin looks the same. He’s much more mature now, with his suit and gelled back hair, different from his jeans and sweater phase. He’s handsome and bright, smiling the moment he walks in the pub and sees Kyungsoo sitting and waiting for him. He sighs a huge relief when he realises that Jongin is happy again, not broken like how he was when he was with him.

‘How have you been?’, he asks, still smiling despite the reunion which they didn’t think they’ll have any time soon. He nods and responds that he’s well, not really sure what else to add since not a lot of things have changed since they separated.

‘How about you?’, he asks, waiting for Jongin to reply to which his ex-boyfriend begins to talk endlessly about all the things he’s explored through his years of travelling. France, America, Japan, China, Korea and other places where he worked with different people, spending time exploring each country until he’s full of happiness once more. It seems like Kyungsoo is the one who was left behind rather the other way around.

‘So, have you told him?’, Jongin finally asks a question to which Kyungsoo hoped Jongin forgotten. They both turn back to look at the singer at the front of the stage, hearing Chanyeol sing a cover of an old song from the 90s – they didn’t even know the name of it, but they can still recall the lyrics.

‘No’, he simply says, and Jongin knows enough about Kyungsoo not to ask further questions, just drinking his pint and watching Kyungsoo’s hopeful eyes watching over Chanyeol. He once wished Kyungsoo would stare at him like that, but now he feels pitiful. He doesn’t wish anyone to stare like that, because in the end, the glances lead to nothing.

‘I hope you tell him soon’, Jongin simply says, and with that, they wrap up their unwanted reunion, hoping bright happiness before walking the opposite way, this time unsure if they’ll ever meet again.

‘So, how is he?’, Chanyeol asks as the pair walk side by side, towards their home.

‘He’s doing great. But you already knew that you’ve worked together’

‘I haven’t worked with him’, Chanyeol corrects him, ‘I just see him around the company building here and there’

‘Ah’, Kyungsoo nods and doesn’t reply. He didn’t want to recall his brief conversation with Jongin, not when his unrequited love was the topic of conversation. He promises Jongin that he’ll tell Chanyeol one day, but that day is still far from today. He doesn’t want to ruin anything just yet, despite his longing, he likes the state that they’re in right now, even if he knows Chanyeol doesn’t feel the same thing as him. He doesn’t want to end the idyllic stage of their life just yet.

Chanyeol on the other hand, looks down at Kyungsoo, watching his stride as they make a turn to their neighbourhood, seeing his eyes fluttering as he squints from the sudden light of passing cars. He notices the small freckles dotted around his cheeks, not realising that it’s been a feature of Kyungsoo’s since they were young. It made him look beautiful all of a sudden. He remembers staring from across the pub, seeing Jongin smiling at him and he feels something churning in his stomach that he hadn’t felt before.

Or maybe he has felt it, but now he knows what it is. Times like these, he’d realise the odd bitter feeling that he felt when Kyungsoo left the house, flirted with anyone or went on a date with someone isn’t the feeling of loneliness, but rather jealousy. He’s been fucking jealous this whole time.

His sister is to blame for this feeling. He never would’ve concluded to Kyungsoo’s feelings for him even if it was staring straight at his face – which it has for over the past decade. He’s fucking dumb. What’s even worse, is that he’s starting to reciprocate the feeling. He allows Kyungsoo to sleep in his room despite the latter having the bigger room in the house. He would snake his arms around his waist, hugging him closely and falling asleep to the scent of Kyungsoo’s shampoo on him.

Chanyeol would even find himself refusing to go to parties just so he could pick up Kyungsoo from work, an umbrella hanging across his arm just in case it rains, his hood up and leaning on the brick wall opposite of Kyungsoo’s work building.

The Common is a reoccurring place for them to meet, sometimes Chanyeol would drag Kyungsoo with him just to show him a new performance. It’s not a date since they’ve been doing it since they’ve moved to London, but the feeling is different. It makes him slightly nervous for each performance, knowing that there’s someone watching him – someone he loves.

* * *

Chanyeol and Baekhyun meet for the final time.

‘I broke up with Sehun’

‘Good’, Chanyeol comments, sipping his drink and looking out the window of The Common, watching the raindrop race down the glass window.

‘He said he’ll be better’

‘They always say that’

‘I kinda wanna give him another chance’

‘You do you Baekhyun’, Chanyeol sighs, ‘But if you break your heart again, don’t say I didn’t tell you’

Baekhyun laughs. Their relationship has changed. Now it’s Chanyeol giving him all the advice and it’s his turn to listen.

‘I’ve missed hanging out in the park’, Baekhyun suddenly comments, ‘Maybe we should do it again when summer arrives’

‘Maybe’, Chanyeol nods, although he doesn’t have the same enthusiasm as Baekhyun. Not when he realises, he’s in love with someone else. Baekhyun also notices it, the change in Chanyeol’s eagerness.

‘Have you been seeing someone lately?’, he asks, curious now that he has the time to pry in Chanyeol’s private life again.

‘Kinda’, Chanyeol shrugs, but a smile forms in his face, ‘It’s kinda complicated’

‘Is it Kyungsoo?’

‘How the fuck do you know?’

‘I kinda spoke to him’

‘Since when?’

‘Not long ago, I noticed that he may have feelings for you but he didn’t really respond, so I left it’

‘You didn’t ask him if he thinks I have feelings for him too?’, Chanyeol asks, nervous that Baekhyun knows about the whole ordeal when he just found out a couple of weeks ago.

‘Well, I told him that you may be interested, but… I mean, I don’t know if you do, it’s just observation’

‘You have good fucking observation’, Chanyeol snorts, rolling his eyes and leaning back on his chair, ‘Even I didn’t know what I was feeling’

‘Yeah, I kinda knew that too’, Baekhyun laughs, the pair sharing a comfortable moment to which they just laugh at themselves. As much as Chanyeol thinks Baekhyun is stupid for trusting Sehun too much, he can only wonder how Baekhyun feels about him, seeing him in love with his best friend without even knowing. He guesses they were just both stupid and in love.

‘I’m gonna confess to him’, Chanyeol says aloud, not something he’s been thinking about lately, but the moment Baekhyun brings it up, all he can think about is the time wasted between the two of them. And how he wants to end it and begin again.

Begin again as lovers.

‘Good for you’, Baekhyun smiles, ‘At least one of us is getting a happy ending’

* * *

_From: Kyungsoo_

_Chanyeol, where are you? It’s raining outside._

_From Chanyeol_

_I’ll be there soon. I’m stuck at work; they want me to go over some demos._

_From: Kyungsoo_

_I don’t want to wait outside. I’ll head to The Common._

_From: Chanyeol_

_Yeah, I’ll meet you there. I'll be quick, I promise._

Chanyeol never bothers to call Kyungsoo back. He finishes his work late, but he found comfort that Kyungsoo is waiting inside The Common. He takes his time, walking with his umbrella by his side since it stopped raining, taking short strides as he continues the journey to the pub.

He gets a call from his sister, but he doesn’t pick it up. She’s been pestering him to come and live with her ever since she moved back but he’s refused numerous times. He wants to be near Kyungsoo.

His usual journey is interrupted when he sees an ambulance parked right across the street from the pub, crowds rushing in to check what’s going on. He races towards the crowd, curious to see but the area has already been cleared. All he can see is blood on the floor whilst the police try to brush the rest of the crowd out of the way. He feels nauseous at the sight of dried blood on the road, stepping back and closing his eyes. He didn’t know what happened, but he’s glad he didn’t get to see it.

He slides his hand in his pockets, about to call Kyungsoo when he feels his phone vibrant. He smiles when he sees the caller I.D, picking it up.

‘Hey, Kyungsoo I-’, Chanyeol’s voice stops when he hears a voice that doesn’t belong to his best friend. He hears the almost monotonous voice explaining to him, his heart racing as he turns his head once more at the crowd behind him, seeing the dried blood and the red lights of the police car. He hears the loud sirens of the ambulance and he immediately sprints towards it, his eyes locked on it as he chases after the vehicle, passing through roads and pushing through the crowd.

Kyungsoo’s in there.

That’s his dried blood on the floor.

_That’s my best friend._

He feels the rain hitting him as the skies begin to cry, his breath hitched and muscles straining, but he continues to run, even when he loses the view of the vehicle. He continues to run, chasing after it, looking for his best friend who promised him that he’ll be waiting at the pub like always.

* * *

Yoora runs to the hospital as soon as she gets the call from her brother, her heart pounding as she meets his eyes once more, this time being brought back to the last time they met each other in the hospital, the same pained face Chanyeol had.

‘Chanyeol, what’s going on?’, she asks her little brother, wrapping her arm around him as he shivers, clothes all wet and hair stuck on his forehead.

‘I don’t know’, is all he can reply, his voice almost gone. The waiting is brutal. No doctors nor police came to him and explained the situation. Or maybe they did and he wasn’t listening. Something about the wet rain, a lorry and an abrupt turn. Everything else in between is a blur to him.

‘Did they call his parents?’

‘No’, Chanyeol mumbles, burying his head on her shoulder.

‘Are they not his emergency contact?’

‘No. I am’, Chanyeol says, not crying, but his whole body is still shivering, ‘They called me’

‘So, who’s calling them?’

The slap comes hard. Kyungsoo’s mum sees Chanyeol in the waiting room and hails her arm up, slapping him in the face, her eyes red from crying.

‘Mrs Do, please don’t do this’, Yoora defends him, pulling Chanyeol behind her like how she used to whenever he gets told off by their parents, using herself as a shield, ‘This isn’t his fault’

‘Yes, it is!’, she screams at the both of them, ‘If it wasn’t for your brother, my son would still be living with us! He would’ve been safe!’

‘You can’t blame everything on him! He’s just a kid!’, Yoora feels annoyed, seeing as Kyungsoo’s mother is doing everything in her will to blame Chanyeol, yet she sees her little brother hurting, feeling himself recoil in self-hatred and guilt on something he has no control over.

‘You can’t keep using that excuse for him. He’s old enough to know the consequences of his action. I’ve lost a son! My son! Because of him!’

Lost? Chanyeol’s felt that feeling before. He lost his mother not long ago. He lost his father shortly after. His sister disappeared from him too. Being lost is a constant state that Chanyeol’s always been in. But in every one of his darkness, there’s always a hand waiting for him to reach, and in the end, he always grabs it, because those hands are familiar. Those hands are home. And now they’re gone.

Chanyeol is truly lost.

\----------

_Flatline._

* * *

Kyungsoo reads Chanyeol’s message, telling him he’ll be quick. He couldn’t help but smile, falling in a soft state. Chanyeol sometimes disregards him, being late is his forte, but the thought that he’s rushing to meet him makes him feel giddy. Maybe it’s wishful thinking, but he thought Chanyeol will also be excited to meet him once in a while, even if he thinks his nagging is a pester.

He closes his coat buttons, walking calmly, his hood up and avoiding the rain. Maybe he should order Chanyeol’s food before he comes, he knows how impatient he gets. The thought of his conversation with Baekhyun comes flooding back to him, along with his brief moment with Jongin. He feels as though the world is pushing him to finally confess his long-term crush, but the idea still terrifies him.

He just wants to keep Chanyeol near.

But even if he confesses, he doesn’t see Chanyeol going away any time soon. Even if Chanyeol doesn’t reciprocate his feelings, his best friend will always be by his side for sure. So, he should get this over and done with before anything else happens.

He feels the rain stop and he looks up at the sky, still grey but the clouds have parted. He smiles and feels optimistic for once. Pulling his hood down, he crosses the road in hopes that this next meeting with Chanyeol will start of something new.

Kyungsoo never opens his eyes again after this.

* * *

_Patient Name:_

_Do Kyungsoo_

_Time of death:_

_1.02 am_

_Cause of death:_

_Internal bleeding, skull fracture_

* * *

_‘Woah, who the fuck are you?’, Kyungsoo looks up as he walks towards his school building in the morning, feeling tired and bored already only to be welcomed to another boy from his year climbing over the school fences. He watches as he struggles to hop down, falling on the ground with a loud oof and laying still for a moment._

_‘I do not want to do that again’, he hears the boy say to himself, rolling over and laying on the grass on his back._

_‘You know you could’ve just walked to the front gates’_

_‘And face the wrath of Mr Kerr? I don’t think so’, he whines, breathing heavily from the heavy lifting. Kyungsoo laughs, recognising the boy from his English class and sitting down next to him,_

_‘Let me guess, you didn’t do your homework?’. He says and the boy sits up, looking at him with hopeful eyes._

_‘Did you?’_

_‘Of course, I did. I don’t wanna get shouted at’, he says, then all of a sudden, he feels the boy tugging his school sleeves, his lower lip pouting as he begs to copy off of him. He could only laugh at the boy, wondering why he hasn’t noticed him yet despite the school year starting a few months ago._

_‘I will if you tell me your name’_

_‘Chanyeol Park! I’m surprised you don’t know yet’, the boy looks at him with a raised brow, laughing when Kyungsoo shrugs, ‘And you’re Kyungsoo Do, right?’_

_‘How do you know?’_

_‘How could I not? You always sit at the front of the class, answering every question’, Chanyeol comments and he’s waiting for the usual side comments of teacher’s pet but instead, the boy almost looks like he admires him, ‘It makes you look cool’_

_‘Cool? How comes?’_

_‘Cos it looks like you know what you’re doing’, Chanyeol laughs, leaning his arm on his shoulder, ‘It looks cool when someone looks like an expert, makes me wanna rely on them’_

_‘Well, I’m only gonna let you copy my homework once. So, don’t rely too much on me’_

* * *

Chanyeol moves in with his sister after the funeral. He couldn’t afford their place anymore, not without Kyungsoo’s wages. He didn’t want to sell it at first. They’ve made too many memories and Chanyeol feels safe at home. But Yoora promises that she’ll take care of him and he has no choice but to trust her. He feels lost and he knows without someone to reel him back in, he’s going to end up where he started off three years ago.

And he promised Kyungsoo he’d never go back to that time. He intends to keep his promise, even after his death.

‘If you need anything, feel free to call me’, he hears his sister talking, but he doesn’t reply. He just kneels down in front of his suitcase, unpacking his things in the spare room of his sister’s apartment. Yoora doesn’t force him to talk. She just watches over him, praying that he’ll be okay.

He leans on the cold wall, looking at the plain-looking room and releasing a breath. He didn’t know why he’s even trying to hold everything in, but he can’t seem to make himself cry, even at the funeral when he witnesses Kyungsoo’s parents wailing in front of his casket as they lower him down to the ground.

Chanyeol notices his old beat-up guitar case and he finds enough strength to open it, pulling it out and strumming it for the first time since the accident.

_While we’re here,_

_We’re at The Common again,_

_I smoked six of the ten fags that I only bought an hour ago,_

_Said well I, I like the looks of your shoes,_

_I like the way that your face makes when I’m arguing with you,_

_And so, when, when we all grow old,_

_I hope this song will remind you that I’m not half as bad as what you’ve been told,_

_When I knock at a hundred and two,_

_And I see your pyjamas, I can’t stop smiling at you,_

_That’s why we’re here,_

_We’re at The Common again,_

_I’ve been pouring my heart out towards your optimistic grin,_

_I said, well I, I, I like the look in your eyes,_

_I like the way that your face looks when you’re instantly surprised,_

_But on this shirt, I found your smell,_

_And I just sat there for ages contemplating what to do with myself,_

_I called you up, at a hundred and two,_

_We just sat there for ages talking ‘bout our lives,_

_What was getting onto you?_

* * *

**_Three Years Later._ **

‘And that was from Chanyeol’s number one single, 102 playing. So Chanyeol, how does it feel to be a number one selling artist?’

‘Highly doubt I should call myself an artist’, he laughs when the radio DJ turns to speak to him, the song finally ending and his voice being blown into the microphone broadcasted to the entire country.

‘You were at the Brits last night’

‘Yes, I was’

‘And you won best new artist’, Chanyeol smiles at the reminder, feeling elated for the first time, ‘Did you celebrate?’

‘I went home and had dinner with my sister’, Chanyeol replies and he gets a boo from the DJ and production crew, hollering at him to explain his night which must be filled with booze and dancing.

‘I’m sure you must’ve gotten drunk with other artists that night’

‘No, not really’, Chanyeol smiles, fiddling with his bracelet, ‘I don’t drink anymore, so I would’ve been bored out of my mind if I stayed for the after-party’

‘Well, at least you got to spend the rest of your night with family’

‘Yeah, definitely’

‘Enough about the awards. Let’s talk about the song. This song was a huge sensation when it first came out’, the DJ tells him and he knows. Chanyeol’s been flooded with nothing but praises when his first single was released last summer, ‘Tell us, who is this song about?’

‘Who is this song about?’, he repeats the question, feeling his muscles tense as he recalls the past memories he’s tried to forget. He finds a smile creeping at his lips but he shakes his head at the thoughts. Once he opened the box of memories, everything begins to flood out and he doesn’t want that to happen.

‘Is this song about anyone in particular?’

‘Uh…’, he thinks about it.

_‘Ya! Chanyeol! Can you do the dishes for once?’_

_‘It’s one o'clock in the morning! I’ll do it tomorrow!’_

_‘No! Do it now!’_

‘Yeah, it is actually’, Chanyeol couldn’t help but reply, a different response from all his other interviews which he just passes over the question or refuses to respond to it.

‘Oh’, even the DJ is surprised by his answer, waiting for him to explain.

‘This song is about a friend I had. He was beautiful, picture bloody perfect. I loved him, but I didn’t know at the time. And I never got the chance to tell him. When he and I met, we had little traditions, little things we did together, you know? Like how we’d somehow always be awake at two minutes past one. We’d end up talking till the sun came up. Now, whenever I’m awake at 1.02 am, I think of him and I let go’

* * *

Chanyeol walks out of his hotel room with his hood up and sunglasses on, not because he’s afraid of being recognised, but because that’s how he usually dresses. The summer continues to let the skies shine bright and blue, different from the usual grey skies in London. He promises Yoora that he’s only going to be staying in L.A for a few months whilst writing his next record since he needs to help prepare for her wedding.

He looks down at his phone and sees the picture of him and his sister on his lockscreen. He didn’t want to set it but Yoora threatens to kill him if he didn’t and in the end, he kept the picture on his phone for a whole year now.

Things have been unusual. He still feels missing, somewhat lost on some days. He’d wake up thinking he can smell Kyungsoo’s cooking, but then he’d realise it was all in his head. It’s been like that for a while now, almost three years and pieces of Kyungsoo is still with him.

He walks towards the coffee shop and he’s about to take a turn when he collides with someone, making him take a step back.

‘I’m so sorry, that’s my fault’, he hears the voice and it peaks familiarity in him. He looks up and recognised an old face.

‘Baekhyun Byun?’, he says and the man instantly looks up and a smile edges on his face.

‘Chanyeol Park?’, he calls out his name and for a moment, Chanyeol gets transported back to three years ago. Baekhyun hasn’t changed, he still looks youthful and bright, just as he left him three years ago, ‘What are you doing here?’

‘I should ask you that’, Chanyeol says, ‘I’m here to make a record’

‘Ah yes, the famous Chanyeol Park’, Baekhyun nods, ‘Nice to see the famous Chanyeol kept some of his old aesthetic’, he points at his oversized hoodie, the pair laughing whilst they remember the old times they’ve hung out.

‘Yeah’, Chanyeol fakes a smile, ‘But anyway, you didn’t answer my question. What’re you doing here?’

‘Ah, well, my fiancé wanted to take me on holiday before summer ends’

‘Fiancé?’, Chanyeol raises his eyebrow and chuckles when Baekhyun blushes, ‘Who is he? It’s not Sehun right?’

‘Sehun? God no, I haven’t spoken to that prick for years’

‘Good’, Chanyeol nods, relief that at least one of them got to let go, ‘So who’s your new soulmate?’

‘You wouldn’t know him. He has a normal job like the rest of us’

‘I have a normal job too’, Chanyeol comments to which Baekhyun can only laugh at him. The silence then creeps over them and they’re felt feeling awkward all of a sudden.

‘I wanted to talk to you… After the funeral… But you disappeared’

‘It’s better this way. I wouldn’t want you to deal with all my baggage’

‘That’s what friends are for’, Baekhyun whispers to him, feeling sad at the thought that Chanyeol would rather go through grieving alone instead of coming to him or anyone else who was willing to give him some form of comfort. He wonders how Chanyeol’s been doing all these years and he could only breathe a sigh of relief when he heard his voice on the radio one day whilst driving to work.

‘I’m fine now’, Chanyeol decides to make life easier for Baekhyun, lying to him as he lies to anyone he meets, ‘I’m happy’

‘That’s good’, Baekhyun smiles, ‘Maybe we can meet up again for coffee when we get back to London?’

‘Yeah, for sure’, Chanyeol nods, finally letting Baekhyun go to his happiness, the pair walking in opposite directions. Chanyeol feels too familiar with Baekhyun and he feels relieved letting him go but he couldn’t help but turn back, watching the beautiful man walk away from him, turning a corner and heading towards the beach. He’s still beautiful, even after all these years and he can only wish the best for him.

He never sees him again after this.

* * *

It’s 1.02am. Chanyeol sits on the cold pavement, taking out a fag and letting the smoke burn his lungs. It's cold, brutal cold - London tends to be fucking useless when it comes to the weather - so Chanyeol can even feel soft drizzle landing on his hair.

He has nowhere to go tonight, so he stays sitting on the pavement, his legs crossed and his guitar case beside him. He blows out grey smokes, which escapes his lips, his hands unzipping the worn-out case and lifting up his scratched-up guitar. The streets are silent and barren, juxtaposing what usually is a bright and lively city. But of course, the city is asleep, which leaves Chanyeol owning the night, leaning his head on the brick wall and letting his fingers play the melody that's been stuck in his head the whole day. He closes his eyes, humming softly, accompanying his callus fingers.

_‘Hey, you pretentious prick! Get back inside before you get sick!'_

He can still hear Kyungsoo’s voice in his head, telling him off as he spends the night outside, his hands numb from the cold. He smiles at the thought that if Kyungsoo was still here, he’d nag the shit out of him and tell him to come back inside. He thinks about the tea waiting for him in the kitchen that his best friend would usually make for him, worried that he might catch a cold.

But right now, no one is here to tell him anything, so he continues to strum his guitar, recalling the memories he’s made with someone he can never get back, smiling in sadness.

He looks at the watch on his wrist and begins to sing, the old lyrics he’s written for him three years ago, wishing that if they meet again in their next life, he won’t wait to fall in love with him. He promises to cherish him and bury all of his pride just so he can get a chance to tell him the words he's been wishing to tell. _I love you. I have always loved you._ Even if he gets reborn as a useless flower, he hopes to bloom so that one day, Kyungsoo will see him again and maybe this time, he'll be the one to comfort him. But, until then…

1.03am

‘I let you go’, he whispers, his fingers stops playing, the music ends and his eyes closes as he waits for the day to end and a new one to begin.


End file.
